The Perfect Life #5: Mysteries of Love

The Perfect Life #5

Dear Dr. Perfect.

I am having no luck attracting a woman enough to even go on a date with me. I have a decent job, I live in my own apartment, and I am not overweight. Should I start a podcast?

Sincerely, Mr. Lonelyheart


Dear Lonleyheart,

If you’re searching for lessons on the laws of attraction, you’ve come to the right place. Women often seek two things in a compatible mate: confidence and security. Well, there’s also status, money, prowess, drive, ambition, sense of humor, trust, and, of course, charisma. Those could be my own preferences or something I heard a woman say. I’m certain that your issues extend beyond podcast aspirations. Best not to broadcast your insecurities.

Dating has changed since I was a young stallion. We met people at luncheons, car shows, and discotheques. We had speed dating, blind dates, meeting through friends, blackout drinking, and dumpster diving. Today, we’re swiping left, right, up, and down with no rhyme or reason.

Once, I escorted a lady friend to Medieval Times. Caught up in the moment, she insisted that I joust with one of the knights to prove my fealty. I explained the stupidity of her whim. She said that if I had any inkling of sleeping with her, I would joust the knight like my life depended on it. I clarified that I had no such intentions on a first date. She guzzled wine from her goblet and called me a peasant. By then, we had missed most of the show. Sometime after our disastrous feast, we went out for coffee and got along just fine.

The point, Loneleyheart, is that you needn’t worry. You have a job, a decent apartment, and you’re not overweight. The long road toward companionship is rife with trial and error. Try on a variety of suits, each more daring than the next. Avoid the sociopathic urge to lie about everything and stay honest with yourself and what you’re looking for. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with embellishment with a persona. Just because you’re not actually an airline pilot or a doctor doesn’t mean you can’t think like one. We’ve all been to hospitals and on airplanes. How hard can it be?

I once went hang-gliding on a date with a skilled pilot. Prior to our adventure, I had assured her of my piloting skills despite having never done it before. We took off from the top of a cliff. I never admitted my embellishment, even when she visited me in the hospital. She was a tender person, full of life, but I squandered our relationship during the Advice Columnist Convention (ACC) of ’96. There was a woman there who—well, maybe that’s not relevant here.

If I’ve learned anything from women, it’s that they also like a guy who can cook. I once dated this chef who reviled in our competing soufflés. We were so crazy about food that we introduced it into the bedroom like some cheap rehash of 9 1/2 Weeks.

As far as your issues, attraction isn’t impossible. Approach the nearest catch who’s caught your eye and simply say hello. They could roll their eyes and ignore you, or they could answer you back. If they’re receptive, you’ll have the opportunity to recite some Walt Whitman or Edgar Alan Poe, two titans of the Romantic Age. Either way, you’ve got their attention, and it’s go time. If none of this works and all the conventional means have failed, it’s time to get serious.

Start that podcast.

And never forget, when the going gets tough, lower your standards.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


The Drunken Odyssey is a forum to discuss all aspects of the writing process, in a variety of genres, in order to foster a greater community among writers.


%d bloggers like this: