The Perfect Life #15 by Dr. Perfect

The Snyder-verse and Virility

Dear Dr. Perfect,

Why won’t more people realize that Zack Snyder’s vision was vindicated with the Snyder cut of Justice League? Has there ever been a better 4-hour movie? When will Kevin Feige hire Snyder to direct all the new Avengers films? And when will Snyder be given his own Star Wars trilogy? When will Hollywood realize that every movie would be better if directed by Zack Snyder? And when will my erection go down.

Sincerely,

Someone who is not Zack Snyder, I promise

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Dear Anonymous,

I think we both know that you are probably Zack Snyder. I don’t have the energy to argue with Hollywood directors. You have unleashed a litany of questions as seemingly indulgent and overblown as any of Snyder’s forays into comic book moviemaking. I’m no movie critic, but enough is enough.

When I first heard people reference MCU or DCEU, I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. My ten-year-old nephew then informed me that it stands for Marvel Cinematic Universe and DC Extended Universe. This allows for an unending assembly line of big-budget superhero franchises for generations to come. We could all be so lucky. They’re never going to stop making these movies. The nerds have taken over. They run our social media big tech monopolies and just about every facet of entertainment left out there. They’ve been waiting for this moment since their first middle school wedgie, and now we’re all going to pay.

 The last movie I saw in theaters was 2019’s Cats. I confused Andrew Lloyd Webber with Steven Sondheim, costing me two and a half hours I’ll never get back. This so-called musical was one purrfect steaming turd that should have been buried in its own litter box for good. Take that, Cats.

We grow older, time moves faster, and before we know it, we’re elderly and infirm. Most of us become wiser, and it’s never too late to reach for our dreams. The baby boomers, of which I am a part of, have taught this lesson, along with how to destroy society over a matter of decades. We’ve come a long way since the roaring fifties, screeching sixties, and sloppy seventies, and it’ll soon be time to pass the torch onto the next schlubs we’ve saddled with massive national debt.

Zack Snyder’s Justice League makes Sergio Leone’s extended cut of “Once Upon a Time in America” seem about the length of a Seinfeld episode. Fortunately, I was able to stream Justice League in the comfort of my own bomb shelter using my Mom’s HBO Max account. She doesn’t have an issue with it, and neither should you. It took me nearly a millennium to finish, given my busy schedule of life advice and general heroism, but I finally saw every actor working in Hollywood today in the same movie. This speaks to Snyder’s innate ability to stuff a flick with more plot, CGI, and slow-motion overkill than necessary.

For instance, in 2009, I caught a matinee showing of Watchmen, half expecting a lighthearted action romp. The biggest gripe I have with Snyder’s pretentious pseudo-intellectual movie is the use of the most clichéd classic rock songs in the most clichéd manner possible. Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changing” coupled over a time montage? Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence” played over a funeral procession scene? Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” playing during a sex scene? And let us not forget the gratuitous use of Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” cover for a loose connection to men who watch or something. New rule for filmmakers: you’re not permitted to use any song that was already played in Forrest Gump.

300 wasn’t worth all the hype, either.

For these reasons and more, Zack Snyder is the perfect choice to direct all the new Avengers films. He’d make a wonderful addition to the next Star Wars Trilogy as well, because frankly, I’ve had enough of J.J. Spielberg’s feverish hackery. Marvel and DC should combine as one under the watchful eye of our Disney overlords, fresh from purchasing Warner Bros. Only then can we start getting the Snyder films we deserve.

Most multimillion-dollar Hollywood films these days are the result of committees. These suits know the score and how to mine the well of nostalgic fanfare for audiences young and old, except that they mostly don’t. Snyder has a bright future ahead. I’d compliment him more if only he’d considered the spec script I tossed over the gate of his Pasadena mansion three years ago. I was optimistic. My story was about a time-traveling advice columnist superhero assassin on assignment in Russia during the Cold War. I have yet to hear back from him, and until I do, Snyder is dead to me.

And go to the ER, Anonymous.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.