The Perfect Life #34 by Dr. Perfect

Dear Dr. Perfect,

I suspect my 9-year-old son is watching porn. Can you recommend any porn that would be age appropriate for him? I don’t want him to pick up any bad habits.

Sincerely,
A concerned mom

————————

Sweet matriarch, lock that child in your house, turn off the electricity, and confiscate the cretin’s phone. Instead of letting him watch porn, buy lots of porn for him to read. This will strengthen his literacy skills and gamify his perversions for SAT success.

I recommend the Marquis DeSade, Anaïs Nin, and Pia Sparks. Never give him Fifty Shades of Grey, which can result in brain damage.

I remember when my own mother gave me my first erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Maid. Technically, the gift tag had my father’s name on it, but I knew that was just my mother’s famous shyness.

With the sexual revolution of the ’60s spearheading a more permissive and decadent culture, she knew that I would be exposed to all sorts of mature content during my formidable formative years. XXX theaters were the norm, divorce rates were skyrocketing, and disco was turning happy homemakers into harlots.

My father, on the other hand, offered his own assessments. “Why settle with one wife, when you can have a dozen?” he said, clearly influenced by the polygamous Mormon family living across the street. He always talked that way just out of an earshot of my mother, careful to never let his envy of our neighbors show.

Back then, my classmates passed around Playboy magazines with fervor, whereas I was steeped in the finer eroticism of the mind. Why gaze upon the torn and tawdry pages of convenience store smut when you could read from the world’s finest literary sexual deviants?

Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer piqued my youthful interest. The novel, published in 1934, was still taboo. We didn’t have a wealth of erotic fiction to choose from. Genres upon dirty sub-genres would have to wait until the Internet. Today, you can download tentacle erotica on your Kindle along with endless books involving inters-pecies dinosaur sex. The abundance of such sleaze makes one yearn for the classics, like Endless Love.

Many writers are as uncomfortable writing about sex as the public is reading it. Sex, for most couples, takes place in the dark. Conventionally speaking, we’re not too keen on things that happen in the dark. I prefer my own lovemaking in the daytime.

Where were we?

If erotic fiction isn’t your son’s thing, mandate more videogames into his routine. There’s a fine line between “carnal” and “carnage,” and he’d be better off shooting bad guys and not thinking about sex until he is thirteen.

Or get him some of those old Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.