The Perfect Life #45 by Dr. Perfect

Dear Dr. Perfect,

I’m into golden showers, always have been. My new partner was initially nervous, but now he loves giving me a good spray down. However, his urine doesn’t taste as good as my previous partner’s, and I find my appetite waning. How can we reconcile this difference in desire?

Yours truly,

Panicked4Pee

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Dear Mister or Misses “Pee,”

Of all the golden showers quandaries I’ve received, yours might be the most urgent in some time. Your decision to forego the editors of Hustler Magazine and seek out a real advice columnist is commendable. Did I also mention your bravery? Some might misconstrue such compliments as patronizing.

Your concerns are my concerns, and if the taste of someone else’s urine isn’t cutting it anymore, then we have a crisis worth addressing here. I even told my secretary to hold all my calls to give your situation the attention it deserves.

Truth be told, she’s out for the week due to a urinary tract infection. It just popped up in my mind since we’re on the subject. I’m certain she’d be mortified if she knew I was putting her business out there. Just forget I said anything. Sorry, Tracey!

What I meant to say was that I’ve placed my cell phone on silent, turned off my antique phonograph, put away my Tchaikovsky records, and dimmed the lights to better resolve your issue. At the very least, I offer the advice you’ve come to expect from the sympathetic ear of a reputable advice columnist, where no bodily fluid discussion is beyond reproach.

It reminds me of the time I changed restaurants. My weekly ritual usually ends with a fine porterhouse steak at my favorite joint, Fantastic Freddy’s Premium Grill. A few months ago, a friend of mine opened his own restaurant, a classy, upscale steakhouse with velvet drapes hanging everywhere and EDM music playing. It’s not the type of environment I regularly frequent, but he’s a friend. He also repaired my motorized oscillating hammock and helped me get out of a ridiculous timeshare I was ensnared in.

Anyway, his slogan was, “Best steaks in town,” a bold claim to be sure. Spoiler alert: they weren’t, and now he expects me to come in all the time. I practically have to sneak my way into Freddy’s just to get a taste of what once was. I get anxious even thinking about it.

That’s about the closest parallel I can draw between our issues. I did, however, date a woman who insisted that I defecate on her, but that’s a story for another letter. She was a troubled woman but a very good at coding.

Honesty sometimes works. You don’t want to start an unnecessary argument or hurt your partner’s feelings, but there’s also the question of how long you can carry on the charade. Monitor your partner’s diet and see if they can improve the quality of said urine.

Are they regularly hydrating? Are they a heavy drinker? When was their last physical? You could learn a lot by their functionality of their kidneys and bladder alone. One thing is for sure, remedy the issue or be forced to bath in substandard pee for the rest of your days… or at least until you find someone else.

Drop subtle hints wherever they might occur. For instance, mention the scene in that James Franco movie where he’s pinned under a boulder and drinks his own urine. I think it was called 127 Days. Or maybe it was hours. Was it 48 Hours? No, that one starred Eddie Murphy.

Hilarious film.

Mention the urine drinking and remark about how desperate one would have to be to find themselves in that situation. Then follow it with, “Of course, nothing satisfies me more than a good spray down. I just wish I liked the taste a little better.” Game, set, match. You’ve opened the matter for discussion.

Responsibility will fall onto your partner to find ways to improve the taste of his urine without feeling inadequate or spurned. The best part is that you don’t have to dump them! If the problem persists, consider a bondage fetish to change things up. That always works for me.

I should also note that urine sodium levels potentially dictate the taste, so there’s room for improvement. A healthy bladder makes a happy person. That’s what I always say…sometimes. Best of luck with your next pee party.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.