Dear Dr. Perfect,

My fiancé just dyed his hair cotton candy blue, which will clash with the dog collar I intend to surprise him with at our wedding ceremony. How can I dye his hair back to black without him knowing? 

Signed,

Determined 

———–

Greetings, Big D.

The lead-up to any wedding is crucial to the overall splendor of a long-lasting and meaningful relationship. It’s also time to decide if the person you’re walking down the aisle for is worth the trouble. 

Robin Hood said it best when he told Maid Marian, “Everything I do, I do it for you.” This was in the Kevin Costner version. Whether he said those words, or they were lyrics to a Bryan Adams music video that accompanied the film is not important; commitment is about sacrifice.

You’re probably wondering why your fiancé changed his hair out of the blue. I know I am. Puns aside, this is concerning. Maybe he wanted to surprise you or just muck up your well laid plans. There’s a thin line between bad surprises, like a terrorist attack, and good surprises, like saving up to 50% on your car insurance with GEICO. They’re a sponsor now, so bear with me. 

I spent two-weeks planning a co-worker’s surprise birthday party, only to find out that she took a four-day to visit family in Vermont. I said, “Never again,” and tossed her Cookie Puss cake in the trash. No one told her about the party because it was supposed to be a surprise. They also failed to inform me that she’d be gone. And so ended my brief stint at the artillery shelling factory. The magic was gone. 

Your fiancé has some ‘splaining to do, as they say. First, where did he get cotton candy blue hair dye so close to the wedding date? Secondly, has he tried tangerine dream? I heard it’s exquisite, not unlike electric raspberry. 

We could talk about hair dye all day or get to the crux of the matter. Your fiancé out-surprised you. He’s playing to win here. 

Have you ever had big news to tell someone, only for someone else to blurt it out while you’re in mid-sentence? Your fiancé’s inconsiderate behavior recalls an infamous incident involving my grandfather, Thaddeus J. Perfect III. He worked as a beat reporter before his illustrious career as advice columnist, a long family tradition.

One fateful afternoon in 1963, he rushed into his boss’s office with the biggest scoop of his career. But before he could finish, some bonehead shouted, “Hey boss, did ya’ hear? President Kennedy’s been shot in Dallas!” Gramps was beat to the punch and then proceeded to beat and punch the very bonehead who stole his thunder. 

Now, about that dog collar. Have you considered exchanging it for a color that complements his new hairdo? I know plenty of pet stores (and bondage shops) that cater to your every need. If you’re set on the blue collar for whatever sentimental reasons, let’s talk business. 

You could easily dye his hair black as he sleeps. The next morning, go about your business without even mentioning it. If he notices, convince him the cotton candy blue faded away on its own. Maybe it washed out in the shower or maybe the whole ordeal was all a dream. 

This plan might sound inept and lazy, but he won’t give hair color another thought after he sees the surprise waiting for him under the sheets. I’m talking, of course, about breakfast in bed. What were you thinking about? Then proceed to lather him in Cool Whip and dive in. Best of luck with the wedding. I’ll await your invite.

_______

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.