The Curator of Schlock #74 by Jeff Shuster

Zapped!

Placing an exclamation point in your title really makes it stand out!

Your Curator of Schlock has long had the wish for a Chucky vs. Leprechaun movie. Another dream of mine is to one day see a Scanners vs. Highlanders movie. Oooh. Maybe the movie could even feature a Scanner-Highlander hybrid. Such a Highlander would only have to explode the heads of the other immortals he was fighting instead of all of that pointless swordplay. That’s my pitch. I’ll sell it to any Hollywood studio for 10% of the gross. Are you listening Mr. Cronenberg?

Anyway, I’m fresh out of Scanners movies seeing as how Scanner Cop is proving hard to find. Never fear, I discovered this movie called Zapped! and it’s all about telekinesis!

Plus, it stars Scott Baio. That’s the guy who played Chachi on Happy Days for all of you oldsters out there. Some of you younglings may know him from the hit sitcom Charles in Charge. Buddy is so funny. Why can’t the idiots who live next door in real life be so funny?

Oh my! The actor who played Buddy is also in this movie! This like Charles in Charge: The Early Years! In fact, I’m going to call the characters by their Charles in Charge names for the rest of this review. Anyway, Charles (Scott Baio) plays a nerdy high school science geek who likes to experiment on mice.

Scatman Crothers pops in the lab every now and then to give him some sage words of advice like “First come the woman. Then the whiskey.”

Buddy (Willie Aames) is a rich kid and the school photographer who takes pictures of cheerleaders in compromising positions. I think he’s also having an affair with one of the school secretaries.

Anyway, the mice turn telekinetic from Charles’s telekinesis juice, he spills some chemicals, and gets zapped. His parents think he’s on drugs or something. That something happens to be telekinesis. He could become one of the X-Men if only Professor Xavier admitted non-mutants! Anyway, Charles’s newfound powers allow him to do all sorts of things like levitate glass beakers, breaking the glasses of nosy school reporters, and control the flight of baseballs so his school can win the big game. Someone call Arnold Rothstein!

Oh, yeah: Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA candidate at the University of Central Florida.Scatman Crothers has a pot-induced fantasy where he rides bicycles with Albert Einstein.

That’s all well and good, but I have yet to see one head explode! The crusty old school principal is just waiting to get humiliated in front of the student body, but the joke is on us after we see him go on a sleazy blind date. Ewwww! Charles and Buddy go to a fraternity casino party so they can tele-cheat on a roulette wheel. Eddie Deezen is present at this party (why am I not surprised.) Charles spins the wheel too fast and it levitates off the table. Will the frat learn Charles’s secret and exploit it for their own use? Will Charles throw up pea soup in front of a couple of priests? Did I mention this movie has a flying ventriloquist dummy in it?

Five Things I Learned from Zapped!

1. They make diving suits for mice!
2. You could grow pot in high schools back in the 80s.
3. Power ballads really slow a movie down.
4. Eddy Deezen really lights up a room.
5. Carrie could have so easily been a comedy.

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Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA candidate at the University of Central Florida.