The Lists #5 by Chelsey Clammer

10 Warning Labels that Could Have Helped My College GPA

1. On Cocaine: Not to be used while editing papers that are beyond the assigned page limit.
2. On Physical Education Requirement: Not to be taken before 1pm.
3. On Alcohol: Contents do not increase fluency in Spanish.
4. On Marijuana: Refrain from use while studying Statistics.
5. On Metaphors: Do not mix with Biology lab reports.
6. On Cliff Notes: Contents may cause over-confidence in reading comprehension.
7. On 18^th Century British Literature: May cause drowsiness.
8. On Electronic Overhead Projectors: Ask your doctor about likelihood of malfunctioning during use for a final exam that will determine whether or not you will receive a passing grade for the course.
9. On Mushrooms: Not to be ingested for at least 36 hours before an oral exam.
10. On Attractive Professors: May cause false sense of excitability for Heidegger.

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Chelsey Clammer (Episode 49) has been published in The Rumpus, Essay Daily, and The Nervous Breakdown among many others. She is the Managing Editor and Nonfiction Editor for The Doctor T.J. Eckleburg Review, as well as a columnist and workshop instructor for the journal. Clammer is also the Nonfiction Editor for Pithead Chapel and Associate Essays Editor for The Nervous Breakdown. Her first collection of essays, There Is Nothing Else to See Here, is forthcoming from The Lit Pub, Winter 2014. Her second collection of essays, BodyHome, is forthcoming from Hopewell Publishing in Spring 2015. You can read more of her writing here.