The Curator of Schlock #18 by Jeffrey Shuster

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

You know you’re not doing well when the Christmas movie you’re watching for your weekly blog makes the Christmas movie reviewed for last week, The Night They Saved Christmas, look like a minor masterpiece. But you have a duty to present your thoughts on schlocky movies for reading public so you resign yourself to watching some 2001 made-for-TV spectacle by the name of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. You start reevaluating your life, wondering how you ended up in this position.

i_saw_mommy_kissing_santa_clausThe first thing you notice as you’re watching I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is that the titular song is never played during this motion picture. At all. You begin to wonder if the song’s title is actually copyrighted and are then forced to come to inevitable conclusion that it is not. Why would the producers pay the royalty fees when they could sucker in the average viewer with the title alone?

Title ISawMommyKissingSantaClaus

Next up is the story. It focuses around a kid by the name of Justin Tutela (played twin actors Dylan and Cole Sprouse.) You’ve never heard of these actors before and you decide to read up on them. You discover they starred in the television series The Secret Life of Zack and Cody, a very popular Disney Channel sitcom. You’ve never heard of it before and realize that you’ve just aged yourself among the twenty something set.

Oh my god

Back to the movie. A few weeks before Christmas, Justin’s father decides to dress up like Santa Claus and kisses Justin’s mother. At this point, Justin has a psychotic break and decides to wage his own personal war on Santa Claus so his parents won’t get a divorce. He figures if he’s as naughty as he can possibly be, Santa Claus won’t come to his house on Christmas Eve and whisk his mother away. Justin starts playing all sorts of pranks like pulling fire alarms at school, hiding a fart machine under a seat cushion at dinner, and wrapping up a fish to stick in a gift box at school.

Of course, that’s nothing compared to what he does to the town Rent-a-Santa. Justin figures he’s the real Santa Claus so he unleashes his full wrath upon him. First, he starts flinging snowballs at Rent-a-Santa. Then he starts icing walkways for the old guy to slip and fall down on. Later, when this Rent-a-Santa gets a job at the local shopping mall, Justin provokes the Rent-a-Santa by throwing a pie in his face. The Rent-a-Santa chases Justin, but can’t catch him. After crashing into a Christmas display, the Rent-a-Santa gets fired.

i-saw-mommy-kissing-santa-claus 2

Justin’s dad dresses up as Santa again on Christmas Eve and ends up getting caught in a snare. They all realize whole Mommy kissing Santa Claus thing was just a huge misunderstanding. The real Santa Claus visits the house later that night and leaves Justin the space marine outfit he’s been wanting for Christmas. I guess Santa stops keeping track of who’s naughty after December 1st. On Christmas Day, the homeless Rent-a-Santa shows up at their door begging for change. As soon as he sees Justin, he tries to run away, losing his grip on his crutches and falling flat on his face. You wonder why the producers thought it was funny laugh homeless Santa on Christmas day.

You can’t find any trailers or clips from the movie to share, but you do find a rendition of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” from none other than Twisted Sister.

You begin to wonder why all Christmas songs aren’t sung by Twisted Sister.

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Jeffrey Shuster 4

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

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