The Curator of Schlock #43 by Jeff Shuster
Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood–Don’t go to Crystal Lake!
I know there are some of you out there who think there’s no rhyme or reason to what I decide to curate on any particular week. For instance, you might think that I realized at the last minute that today was Friday the 13th and that I was scrambling to watch any Friday the 13th movie I could get my hands on. Well, you’re wrong. I’ve been planning to showcase Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood for months now. It’s just a coincidence that Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood is the only Friday the 13thmovie streaming on Netflix.
Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood starts out with a young girl named Tina Shepard who’s upset over the fact her drunk dad is beating her mother. She runs away from her house to nearby Crystal Lake, her father in close pursuit. Tina gets into a boat and floats out into the middle of the lake. Her father calls out to her, apologizing for his behavior. Tina screams out that she wishes he was dead. The lake erupts around the dock her father is standing on and the dock collapses. Tina’s father is sucked into Crystal Lake and drowns to death.
Ten years later, Tina (Lar Park Lincoln) has been let out of a mental institution under the supervision of her doctor, Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser, who played the corpse in Weekend at Bernie’s). You see, Tina has been feeling guilty over her father’s death. That may be because she caused it. She’s a powerful psychic with telekinetic abilities, kind of like Jean Grey from those X-Men movies. I’d say Tina is a level 4 mutant at least.
Unfortunately, Dr. Crews is no Professor Xavier, and he has nefarious plans in store for Tina and her telekinetic abilities. I think. The movie isn’t too clear on this. Maybe he just wants to get published in the latest issue of Omni.
Tina stands at the rebuilt dock at her family home and wishes her dad would come back to life. Unfortunately, her powers don’t resurrect her dad. Jason Voorhees, the star of this series, is chained up at the bottom of the lake.
Tina’s psychic spell brings him back to life and a killing spree soon follows. As luck would have it, a bunch of obnoxious teenagers are throwing a raucous party at the house next door to Tina’s. They’re easy pickings for our hockey mask wearing hooligan.
As mentioned, these are some obnoxious teenagers. There’s Nick, the oh so boring good guy. Characters like him tend to get knocked out by Jason, but never killed. Melissa is the local snobby, rich girl who has a thing for Nick, but he always rebukes her advances in favor of Tina. Let’s see, who else? There’s a pothead, a wallflower, and a nerdy science fiction writer. They get killed in variety of creative ways. Jason shoves his arm through one guy and throws a girl out a window and hacks the head of the nerdy science fiction writer clean off with a machete. That last one didn’t upset me too much. His name was Eddie and he kept bugging everyone at the party with his lame science fiction story ideas like the one about the mummy in space. Can you imagine the mummy in space? That would be like sticking Jason in space–not even the cretins running Hollywood would stand for such lame storytelling.
Anyway, I would argue that the movie doesn’t really begin until Tina starts using her telekinetic powers against Jason. She electrocutes him, strings him up in an effort to hang him, sprays gasoline all over him and sets him on fire. Jason keeps coming back for more. What’s a Level 4 mutant psychic to do? On an unrelated note, we get to see what Jason looks like underneath that mask. That boy needs to see an orthodontist!
Five Things I Learned from Friday The 13th, Part VII: The New Blood
- If Jason Voorhees cuts his way into your tent, don’t try to hide in your sleeping bag.
- Don’t write a science fiction story about space mummy. It will give your creative writing professor a headache.
- Don’t make fun of the Level 4 telekinetic mutant who was just released from the mental hospital. She’ll try to strangle you with your pearls.
- If you have a psychic vision of Jason stabbing your mother to death, it means that Jason is going to stab your mother to death.
- Don’t try to explode Jason’s brains with your psychic powers. There really isn’t anything there to explode.