The Curator of Schlock #82 by Jeff Shuster

April Fool’s Day

Pranks can kill, kids!

I have to admit, I didn’t care for these slasher movies when I first started watching them. It’s kind of like your first beer. You not only get used to it, but eventually life doesn’t seem as good without it. I also find myself humming “O Canada” every night before I go to sleep. I don’t know what that’s about.

I remember when I was little. They used to sell these glossy stickers that inspired by horror movies right in the grocery store.

horror_stickersYes, they sold stickers of gruesome horror movies to kids back in the 1980s because the 1980s were awesome! They were fifty cents a pop, but I could usually persuade my dad to give me a couple of quarters. I remember this one for a horror movie called Return to Horror High. It depicted a skeletal cheerleader chanting, “Killer to the left. Killer to the right. Stand up. Sit down. Fright! Fright! Fright!”

I was too young to watch these kind of movies, but the movie posters and VHS covers were quite alluring to me. Part of me wondered if there was a skeletal cheerleader in the movie strutting her stuff as she cheered the homicidal maniac on.

Another poster that always caught my eye was the one for April Fool’s Day. This one didn’t have a skeletal cheerleader, but a young woman in a fancy evening gown with her back turned toward the spectator. What was most jarring about her was how her hair was braided into the form of a noose. I wondered if it was possible for girls to braid their hair in the form of a noose. Were girls able to do all of these crazy things with their hair that boys weren’t privy to? This remains a mystery to me to this day.

April1The woman in the poster is also toasting with her right hand and concealing a knife with her left. Was she planning to murder her guests? Was she getting revenge on some wrong done to her by then? Maybe she was just plain evil and wanted to murder them just for the heck of it. Well, I guess the joke was on me since that poster is a lie! There is no woman in this movie with a noose braid. April Fools!

April3You want to know what the movie is about?

April4A bunch of college kids wait around a deserted house to get slashed by a mysterious killer.

April2This one involves pranks so you can’t tell if the kills are real or not. Biff from Back to the Future stars. The End.

While I’m at it, I give you the plot to Friday the 13th Part 2. A bunch of camp counselors wait around a deserted summer camp to get slashed by a mysterious killer who turns out to be Jason Voorhees, the deformed, mentally challenged son of the PTA mom from the first movie.

Okay. I just watched the trailer for Return to Horror High. There’s a skeletal cheerleader in it!

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Photo by Leslie Salas.
Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47episode 102episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA candidate at the University of Central Florida.

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