The Curator of Schlock #172 by Jeff Shuster

March Movie Previews and Prognostications

(I don’t know what I’m talking about. I really don’t.) 

 No movie this week, but I didn’t want to leave y’all empty-handed. We’ve got a gaggle of fantastic movies that I’ve never heard of coming out in March. I will attempt to discern what they’re about from their movie posters. What could possibly go wrong? 

Collide

Collide features a young couple in love that would do anything for each other. Looks like they’re taking the money and running so we can assume their names are Billie Joe and Bobby Sue. KITT from Knight Rider is following in close pursuit. Sir Ben Kingsley and Sir Anthony Hopkins will star as two old men playing hopscotch in Central Park. KITT will run over the Ben Kingsley character.

Personal Shopper

Kristen Stewart stars as a personal shopper in Personal Shopper. You find her performance peckish, sexy, and less than riveting. The film takes place at a Hitchcock Convention where ghosts both spiritual and physical haunt the twisted soul of Warren Beatty’s character, Dr. Carlos Silsmaria. Exceptional edge of your seat captivation awaits you in this strange romantic comedy.  

Raw

Raw is 89 minutes of characters getting nosebleeds and stuffing tissues up their noses.  These bloody tissues will be raffled off before each showing of this motion picture. Please do not resell these tissues on EBAY.

13 Minutes 

13 Minutes tells the brave story of the first man to ever part his hair on the right side. This simply wasn’t done back in the day.

Wilson

Woody Harrelson stars as Wilson, a man who hangs out in public restrooms all day, harassing every man who uses a urinal by asking him about the meaning of life. It will later be revealed that Wilson is a disgraced ex-bathroom attendant.  

Carrie Pilby

Bel Powley stars as Carrie Pilby, a woman whose goldfish obsession has landed her into hot water with the authorities on several occasions. Carrie is a member of F.L.U.K.E. (which stands for Fish Liberators United against Kippering and Eeling). Carrie manages to rescue several goldfish throughout the movie, releasing them into the Atlantic Ocean so they can “swim free.” Upon realizing that goldfish are freshwater, she commits suicide by eating some blowfish sushi.

The Zookeeper’s Wife

Jessica Chastain stars as a zookeeper’s wife in The Zookeeper’s Wife, a woman who longs to be known for more than just a zookeeper’s wife. Daniel Brühl plays the zookeeper, a man who longs to own an automobile because the local soldiers keep making fun of the basket affixed to the front of his bike. 

Ghost in the Shell

In Ghost in the Shell, Scarlett Johanson plays a ghost who hides inside a tortoise shell to escape being exorcised from this plane of existence by the yakuza. Only she can stop a demonic geisha from destroying San Francisco.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.