The Curator of Schlock #198 by Jeff Shuster
One Dark Night
One dark night all by yourself in a mausoleum with a psychic vampire!
It’s that time of year again! Time for your Curator of Schlock to transform into the Curator of Shock! It’s a full month of super scary movies! So get ready boys and ghouls to get shocked out of your skin! No. That’s not working for me. I’ll try again. So get ready boys and ghouls to get shocked out of your Adidas. That’s a brand of sneaker. Kanye West is one their guest designers, so there!
Tonight’s tale of terror is a 1983 feature entitled One Dark Night from director Tom McLoughlin. It stars TV’s very own Batman, Adam West. Actually, he just plays the husband of the bereaved daughter of a psychic vampire. Kind of disappointed with that.
Can you imagine Adam West playing a psychic vampire? I can! It also stars Meg Tilly who played Carmilla on Shelly Duvall’s Nightmare Classics back in 1989.
This is the part in the review where I would mention that I had a huge crush on Meg Tilly when I was twelve years old, but would then refrain from making such information public for fear that my readers would find out that I have a vampiress fetish.
One Dark Night starts out with a bunch of police and paramedics storming into the apartment of the famous Russian psychic, Karl Raymarsevich. There are all kinds of pots and plates stuck in the walls almost like a poltergeist went to town. And then the police discover the bodies of several young women stuffed in Raymarsevich ‘s closet, all twisted and contorted. Oh, and Raymarsevich is dead too, but even his corpse seems to retain some of that psychic ability since his dead hand shoots a bolt of lightning at the ceiling as they remove his corpse. It probably would have been a good idea to cremate the body, but they just shove him in a mausoleum. I do hope some naïve teenager doesn’t decide to spend one dark night in that same mausoleum.
Enter our protagonist, Julie Wells (Meg Tilly), a high school student who is desperate to join this girl gang called The Sisters. This gang only consists of three members, but they’re looking to branch out and their leader, Carol (Robin Evans), chooses Julie as their first pledge.
Oh, and Julie is currently dating Steve (David Mason Daniels), the ex-boyfriend of Carol. Steve feeds Julie some Mint Milanos right in front of Carol, prompting the green-eyed monster to rear its ugly head. I’m referring to the emotional state of envy not an actual green-eyed monster. This movie already has a psychic vampire in it.
Julie is sick and tired of everyone saying, “Julie’s such a nice girl! Julie’s such a nice girl!” You know something, Julie. There’s nothing wrong with being a nice girl! Getting involved with gangs like The Sisters will just get you into trouble. Carol and company request one final initiation right before Julie can join The Sisters. She must spend a night alone in a mausoleum. Carol gives Julie a Demerol pill to help her sleep through the night. Little does Julie know that Carol and her friends plan to dress up as ghosts and sneak back into the Mausoleum to scare Julie half to death.
Little does Carol know that there’s a psychic vampire in the crypt that has the power to summon every corpse in the place so he can feed off the fear dumb teenagers who aren’t satisfied with being nice girls!