The Curator of Schlock #235 by Jeff Shuster

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom vs. Rampage

Why can’t scientists leave well enough alone?

We’re back with another versus column. I tried this last week with Death Wish (1974) and Death Wish (2018) with stellar results if I do say so myself. I had the pleasure of seeing two modern monster movies this month, 2018’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom from director J. A. Bayona and 2018’s Rampage from director Brad Peyton.

Both are worth seeing (Don’t be a snob!), but only one will emerge victorious. Let’s begin!

Chris Pratt vs. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

This is a tough one since I’ve got serious man-crushes on both of these actors. In Rampage, Dwayne Johnson plays Davis Okoye, a primatologist and former US Army special forces soldier. In Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Chris Pratt plays a former US Navy officer and Velociraptor wrangler. I don’t think you need a PHD to be a Velociraptor wrangler. In Rampage, Dwayne Johnson is friends with an albino gorilla. In Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdon, Chris Pratt is friend with a Velociraptor with a blue stripe on its back. In Rampage, Dwayne Johnson puts a sleeper hold on some guy who pees his pants as a result. In Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Chris Pratt avoids getting burned alive by hot lava. I don’t know. Dwayne Johnson is a former WWE superstar from the Attitude Era. Chris Pratt starred on the CW’s Everwood with Treat Williams. Fail!

Winner: Rampage.

Bryce Dallas Howard vs. The Blonde Intern With the Mermaid Hair

Bryce Dallas Howard is a redhead.

The blonde intern with the mermaid hair (Breanne Hill) is a blonde.

I’m a redhead. I have to support my people.

Winner: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.

Indoraptor vs. Ralph

The Indoraptor is a genetically engineered dinosaur made from the DNA of the Indominus Rex from the first Jurassic World movie. This is kind of a step down if you ask me. It’s basically a super raptor, and a prototype at that. Eh.

Ralph is a mutated wolf with bat wings and he’s huge!

Winner: Rampage.

Dr. Henry Wu vs. Dr. Kate Caldwell

Dr. Henry Wu (B.D. Wong) is the evil scientist from the Jurassic World movies. He creates destructive, man-eating dinosaur hybrids in a lab for military applications.

In Rampage, Dr. Kate Caldwell had her gene research stolen by the company she worked for. She hoped to use her research to cure diseases. The evil Energyne Corporation used her research to create monsters. I guess she really isn’t evil after all.

Winner: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Finale vs. Finale

The finale of Rampage takes place in the city of Chicago. Basically, the gigantic albino ape, the gigantic wolf, and the gigantic crocodile are wreaking havoc on the city, knocking down buildings, eating people, etc. The army is powerless to stop them. It all boils down to The Rock and his lady scientist friend to deliver the anti-mutagen to the mutated animals. The finale of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom takes place in the basement of a creepy mansion. The great Toby Jones is auctioning off dinosaurs to the highest bidder of some shady individuals. Not too impressive. If there was an Odessa group bidding on the dinosaurs in the hopes of creating a half raptor/half Hitler hybrid, this might have gotten interesting, but the laying waste to Chicago by a giant crocodile takes the biscuit.

Winner: Rampage.

Let’s tally the votes. Oh, looks like Rampage won. Well, there you have it. Rampage is the top monster movie of 2018—until The Meg comes out.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.