The Diaries of a Sozzled Scribbler #31

Transcribed by a reluctant DMETRI KAKMI

23 May 2021

Because I am a style icon and the most startlingly beautiful proud binary cis-man in the known universe, I am often asked for diet and beauty tips, especially by freaks and aliens. And the occasional dictator. The following questionnaire was completed for the planet Upsilon Andromedae’s version of Vogue magazine, Tshoerveuamntyi. All beauty products mentioned are tested on humans and within the price range of the normal every-day reader.

What I’m loving right now—I’m obsessed with skin dehydration, so I’m excited to see what impact Voila Glow Suction Complex (voila.com, $50,000), a new ingestible serum made from babies aborted during a full moon at Devil’s Tower in Wyoming, will have on my skin. It’s such a clever idea.

Beauty icon— North Koran dictator Kim Jung-un has such classic spare elegance that looks effortless. Loving the flat-top hair. Very Grace Jones.

The rule I live by— I practice a little-known version of Tibetan Buddhism invented by a radical Muslim cleric in Deer Park, Melbourne, and the following holy script has always resonated with me: ‘You are a sack of shit. Keep that in mind next time I come by.’

Top self-care tip—Don’t wear sunscreen, especially if you live in Australia. Cancer and liver spots add to your allure. Add a couple of drops of good quality oil of wild boar to your moisturiser when you need it. Dehydrated skin is sexy skin.

Top tip for halitosis—Consuming a tin of sardines mixed with garlic, harzer cheese, stinky tofu and durian will keep the world well and truly at bay. Perfect for drawing attention to yourself!

Must have product—Melan from Chernobyl 130 Pigment Control (glowbeauty.com, $300,000) is a brilliant, affordable formula not only for that glow-in-the-dark look but also for a great finish. It gets me a lot of comments every time I wear it.

Favorite color—I love the calmness and openness of puce, but my favorite color for nails is chartreuse for its daring, seductive, sexy wearability.

Never leave the house without—Dragomir Lip Glow Oil (selina.com, $650,000). It feels like a treatment but leaves slight sheen and a perfect tint — magic!

On a Plate:

7.45 am. Homemade bircher muesli (soaked overnight in the blood of tortured Uighurs), macadamia soaked in jus of Goliath beetles with raspberries, mango, and manuka honey, plus seasonal fruit picked just for me by les enfants dans Afrique. Plus a smoothie made from the tears of abandoned teenage mothers, with a probiotic.

9.10 am. A triple-shot vodka Affogato, one of my many vices!

Noon. Leftovers from dinner—any endangered fish and veggie stir fry with glass noodles, topped with peanut butter miso, fried shallots and Kewpie mayonnaise.

6 pm. A chicken curry sent to me directly from Covid-infected India because I believe in supporting the sick and needy. I add onions, spinach, and grated sweet potato from the Himalayas and I serve it with roti, tomato, spring onion, mango chutney and extra virgin peanut oil pressed by Chinese communists on labor camps.

10 pm. Organic cacao des Incas passed through the digestive tract of an ancient Peruvian princess. The perfect nightcap.

Helpful dietary hint: I recommend adding plenty of salt to everything you eat, even desserts. High salt intake results in fluctuations in the inner ear fluid pressure and will increase your symptoms, giving you that delightful wonky Beatrice Dalle look from her generation-defining role in Betty Blue.

The above dietary advice comes with a caveat. Since I do not actually consume anything other than gin and cigarettes, I prepare all of the above and then toss it out the window to the homeless gathered beneath my exclusive penthouse, like so many ravenous zombies in a post-apocalyptic film. I am, as you see, very socially minded. Diversity and inclusivity are second nature pour moi.

Oh, Banu, peel me a goji berry, there’s good fellow.

Moi privilégié? Non, non, non…

À bientôt, mes amies.

The Sozzled Scribbler was born in the shadow of the Erechtheion in Athens, Greece, to an Egyptian street walker and a Greek bear wrestler. He is currently stateless and lives on gin and cigarettes.

Dmetri Kakmi is the author of Mother Land (shortlisted for the New South Wales Premier’s Literary Awards in Australia), and the editor of When We Were Young. His latest book is The Door and Other Uncanny Tales. He does not endorse the Sozzled Scribbler’s views.