The Perfect Life #18 by Dr. Perfect

All Twerk and No Play Makes for a Dull Retirement

Dear Dr. Perfect,

How can I persuade my grandfather to stop twerking? He has deep-vein thrombosis, and I am afraid that he’s going to kill himself dancing to Ghostface Killa’s Bulletproof Wallets on repeat all day long.

Signed,
Worried-in-Peoria

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Dear Worried-in-Peoria,

How do you discourage anyelderly person from twerking? My own TikTok feed was inundated with this shameless display of girls, both young and old and of all proportions, engaging in such odd behavior. The fall of Rome looked more graceful in comparison. Twerking soon ran its course only to be embraced by elderly men like your grandfather.

For the sake of his health, explain to your grandfather that we’ve moved on to bigger and better things like the Charleston and the funky chicken. Our seniors need to feel recognized and appreciated. If not, they might just lash out. Some rob banks to get attention, others take up twerking. My advice is to commit him to a retirement community. Have him take up writing or painting and ensure that he’s heavily sedated. A sedated mind is a happy one, especially in Peoria.

I was at Walmart the other day bemoaning the absence of VHS movies. In 1980, Ronald Reagan was elected President at 69 years old. The media focused a lot on his age back then, citing it as a reason for concern. Today, we currently have the oldest man to ever serve as President with Joe Biden at 78. He’s nonetheless surprised naysayers with his ability to read speeches and seemingly function. He also regularly engages with various social media personalities he’s never heard ofin YouTube White House video chats. I’ve never heard of these people either.

The most viewed video on YouTube is something called the “Baby Shark Dance,” a nursery rhyme with nearly ten-billion views. That b wasn’t a typo.

I can’t fathom ten billion of anything.

I also can’t fathom seniors all across the country injuring themselves while twerking. The madness must end. We’ve ignored them and made fun of their clothes and slow driving for far too long. A reckoning is coming, my friend. Be ready.

One day we’ll gaze into the mirror and behold their final act of vengeance. We’ll be old, too. Then we’ll also twerk against the wishes of our physicians, until our bodies or your spirit breaks.

Or both.

I hope the drugs will be pretty great then.


Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.