The Perfect Life #31 by Dr. Perfect

Cleanliness is Next to a Relapse

Dear. Dr. Perfect,

I need some help, Doc. The pandemic has presented great difficulties to recovering alcoholics such as myself. It’s hard enough to not drink when I’m trapped in the house, but now when I go out, HAND SANITIZER IS EVERYWHERE.

Every time I smell the stuff I want a drink. Nowhere is safe. Wearing a mask doesn’t even help. What am I supposed to do?




Dear X,

Fear not: the doctor is in. I’ve been waiting all year to say that.

I hope you had a nice, sober holiday.

The United States hasn’t seen this level of booze-ism since the great Drink In of ’56. With an exceptionally cold winter across the nation, the government (at the urge of the alcohol lobby) advised all patriotic Americans to drink like the nation depended on it. That slogan was on propaganda posters everywhere. My mother followed that slogan, and that’s how I came about.

You need to disassociate the link between your former addiction and hand sanitizer. This can be achieved through meditation.

Or probably not, but it’s a start.

The sights, smells, and, yes, sounds of those clear, oozing Purell bottles are by themselves intoxicating, and they are quite ubiquitous. Have you tried quadruple masking, to keep the aroma from your so easily-tempted nostrils?

Your dedication to sobriety is admirable. Take some time to appreciate the finer things in life, excluding alcohol. Take up carpentry. The fresh smell of wood is about the furthest thing from alcohol you could get—except for barrel-aged whiskey. Or barrel-aged rum. Or beer from an old-fashioned tap.

Try to drink sawdust. That ipecac should distract you from your compulsive urge long enough for vomit-meditation. Try to abide the heaving. It’s going to be okay.

Have a fabulous 2022.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.