The Perfect Life #35 by Dr. Perfect

Dr. Perfect,

What kind of doctor are you? Mine keeps trying to put me on antipsychotic meds, but I don’t want them. I’m looking for a second opinion. Do you take United Healthcare?



Dear Aaron,

I seldom divulge my professional background, but in your case my PhD in Psychology might come in handy. I also minored in dance, which helps with the ladies.

Women like a man with rhythm, a perfect man, well-spoken and confident. Having a beard apparently helps too, but I reject going through life looking like Jeremiah Johnson. But you didn’t write for dating advice, assuming you’re single or into women or even human. You could be an alien because they’re out there. The Pentagon has confirmed as much, in so many words.

I get letters from people claiming they’re aliens all the time. They always give themselves away with a subtle hint toward the end, like asking for Thai recipes or dog grooming tips. Aliens aren’t interested in any of that stuff. They’ve clearly traveled millions of lightyears to mess with farmers and Air Force pilots here on earth. They just want to linguistically scan my responses to get at my sweet, sweet biorhythms, which they hope to use for their nefarious purposes.

Do you talk to yourself, cut people off in traffic, or finger paint in your own blood? If so, that’s normal behavior nowadays. It’s not like you’re questioning the government or anything.

There are these psychopathy checklists that help professionals narrow down personality traits and make assessments from there. If you were my patient, though, I’d recommend a weekend spa retreat at your own expense. Those kinds of getaways always helped me block out voices.

Feel free to fax me your insurance information at your earliest convenience.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.