The Perfect Life #39: When Diets Won’t Die

The Perfect Life #39 by Dr. Perfect

When Diets Won’t Die

Dr. Perfect,

My friend has been trying to do Keto for a year. It’s all she ever talks about.

How do I politely tell her that I truly, profoundly don’t give a shit?

Yours truly,
A victim


Dear victim,

Like most frivolous endeavors, dietary trends come and go. Every so often, people attempt to curtail their gluttonous intake of processed foods and excess carbohydrates for something different. I’ve heard it all before. One eccentric reader recently extolled the benefits of cannibalism.So many preservatives!

Your friend appears to be seeking assurance or encouragement, or so it would seem. It could also just be her way of telling you and everyone else that she:

a.) desires a healthier lifestyle

b.) is more disciplined

c.) is bored with her life

d.) misses Bob Saget

We all miss Bob Saget.

What’s troubling is her lack of concern for your wants and needs. Every person you associate with should be devoted to those simple tenants. If they won’t be sycophants, who needs them!

Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with trying different foods. Just the other day, I had eggs benedict and found them thoroughly disgusting.

A couple I know went on about their new fasting diet ad nauseum. It’s part of this new starving fad.

“Technically,” Melanie (the wife) began, “we’re not starving ourselves. We have a light dinner in the evening.” I saw her louse of a husband (Garrett) in line at Five Guys just the other week. Fasting diet, eh?

I didn’t divulge Garrett’s dark secret but instead planted the seeds of suspicion. Inadvertent sabotage is as delicious as tender steak cutlets with a bottle of Château Lafite.

I tried the fasting diet for a few days and didn’t mind it. I got so much drinking done.

It’s time tell it straight to your Keto-loving friend. You’ve heard enough and respectfully wish to move on from the subject. That, of course, would be the simplest route. But it’d be more fun to drone on endlessly about your new Mediterranean diet.

Don’t be surprised if she jumps ship and converts. Then celebrate your victory with a night out an all-you-can-eat-buffet. I’m there if you’re buying.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.

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