The Goonies

I was transfixed at the sight of the unconscious Banana-Man and the dozen or so street urchins grabbing at the chocolate covered frozen bananas that had spilled onto the asphalt. Edwige, my kangaro companion from my misadventures in North America, looked pleased with herself as she had been the one to knock him out. The Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando, came running toward us with a cherry Slurpee in his right hand. 

“I left for five minutes so I could get some change,” Manta said, panting for breath, “The banana vendor wouldn’t change a fifty dollar bill.”

— To be continued. 

There are no more Ghoulies movies to my knowledge so I found the next best thing in 1985’s The Goonies from director Richard Donner and from a screenplay by Chris Columbus. Oh, and Steven Spielberg produced it. When I was a kid, I thought every single movie with Spielberg’s name attached to it was directed by him. The Goonies, Gremlins, and Young Sherlock Holmes were all Spielberg movies as far as I was concerned. I should have told my 8 year-old self that The Goonies was directed by Richard Donner of Superman the Movie fame. 

What can I say about The Goonies? I remember seeing it at the movies back in the Summer of 1985 and thought it was good then, but how has time treated this 80s classic. Can I speak ill of it without having hordes of Gen Xers beating down my asking me to recant? The movie has been preserved by the National Film Registry for its cultural significance. And apparently, a sequel is in the works with Steven Spielberg once again serving as producer. Maybe they’ll title it Goonies Goonies. Look, I like The Goonies just fine. I mean it’s not as bad as Monster Squad. It has that going for it.

You have to give props to the casting. For the villains, we’ve got Anne Ramsey as Mama Frattelli, Robert Davi as Jake Fratelli, and Joe Pantoleono as Francis Fratelli. You’ve got that cool breakout  scene from jail at the beginning with the police and everything. We’re introduced to the kids: Chunk (Jeff Cohen), an overeater that spins yarns, Data (Ke Huy Quan), an inventor of fantastic gadgets, Mouth (Corey Feldman), a loudmouth troublemaker, and Mikey (Sean Astin) a wide-eyed dreamer who suffers from asthma. All of their families are going to lose their homes because an evil bunch of land developers want to build a country club for the rich. If their parents don’t come up with some cash soon, it’s goodbye Astoria.

When Mikey and his friends discover a treasure map belonging to a famous pirate named One-Eyed Willy, they are off to find the gold and jewels before their parents have to sign over their houses. Mikey’s older brother, Brand (Josh Brolin), joins them along with Andy (Kerri Green), cheerleader and potential love interest, and Stef (Marha Plimpton), sassy tomboy and Andy’s best friend. Our heroes run into the Fratelli’s and run from them. Chunk gets kidnapped and befriends the third Fratelli son, a deformed giant named Sloth (John Matuszak). Sloth loves chocolate and two of them bond over a Baby Ruth.

What else can I say? The movie becomes like a junior Indiana Jones movie with traps and treasure. The Fratellis are foiled, the homes are saved from the greedy developers, and Chunk adopts Sloth as his brother. Happy ending.

The movie is fine I guess.

Somehow, I didn’t feel the need to rewatch it these last forty years.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, episode 645, and episode 670) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.