The four of us hopped in the Banana-Man’s van, anxious to speed after the unknown assassin that took his life as he was about to expose the Goose Lord’s plans. I turned on the ignition. Edwige sat up front just like old times, seat belt unfastened. I put the pedal to the metal and off we went. I may have driven straight through the crossing arms on the way out. What’s a little damage to a hospital security gate when there’s a city to save.

— To be continued. 

Tonight’s movie is 1985’s The New Kids from director Sean S. Cunningham, the director of Friday the 13th! Is this a slasher movie? Well, there’s certainly slashing in it, but it comes more from a gang of malcontents rather than a single psychopath. This gang consists of some Florida good-old-boys named Eddie, Gideon, Moonie, Gordo, and Joe Bob. Eddie Dutra is played by none other than James Spader, sporting some blond hair in this movie. 

The target of this high school gang are McWilliams siblings, Loren (Shannon Presby) and Abby (Lori Loughlin), the new kids at school. They recently had to move in with their Uncle Charlie after their parents died in an accident. Uncle Charlie has big plans for his roadside attraction, Santa’s Fun Land. With Disney World two hours away, he figures people will stop by their family amusement park as an appetizer. A little spit and polish and hundreds of people will stop by their little town for some Christmas fun. 

Unfortunately, Eddie and Gideon have a bet on which of them is going to get with Abby first. Abby wants nothing to do with them and this makes Eddie really mad. Late one night, Eddie and his gang trash Santa’s Fun Land. They even spray paint naughty words on all the buildings. The sheriff says he’ll investigate, but he doesn’t have too much hope that they’ll find the culprits. While siblings are buying paint thinner, the gang keys up Uncle Charlie’s classic convertible.

Loren McWilliams has had enough. He sneaks over to Eddie’s house while he’s sleeping. Loren hogties Eddie and holds a knife to his throat, ready to slice if Eddie gives him any trouble. Loren takes Eddie’s drug money, just enough to take care of the damages to his uncle’s property. He then tells Eddie to end the harassment. Does Eddie listen? What do you think?

It’s about this point in the movie that I ask myself, “What would Paul Kersey do?” Bronson would shoot all of these kids and not think twice about it. But Loren McWilliams just wants to get on with his life. And then Gideon kills Abby’s pet rabbit and tosses its carcass into the shower while Abby is washing her hair. Loren then gets into a fist fight with Gideon and knocks him out. Then Gideon and the other malcontents jump him in the bathroom and beat him up. I think the one named Joe Bob pees on him. 

Naturally, this will all come to a head at Santa’s Fun Land. Eddie’s gang die horrible deaths.

Eddie learns that gasoline is not your friend. 

The New Kids is worth checking out. What else are you going to do on a Saturday night?

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, episode 645, and episode 670) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.