The Perfect Life

The Perfect Life #24 by Dr. Perfect For Love of Vices Dear Dr. Perfect, My family has been arguing non-stop for 48-hours. Maybe you can help us. Who is the best Vice President in American history: Dick Cheney or Spiro Agnew? Sincerely, A Passionate Historian ———— Dear PH, I commend your adherence to heated family… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #23 by Dr. Perfect   Dear Dr. Perfect, Are fart orgasms real? My granddaughter insists they area, and she keeps sending me TikTok links that I am too afraid to open? Am I missing out? Nervously yours, A grandmother who loves but doesn’t understand her granddaughter ————– Dear kindly grandmother, Remain guarded… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #22 Dear Dr. Perfect, My husband has tendency to jump onto dieting trends, such as vegetarianism, veganism, keto diets, gluten-free diets, et cetera, et cetera, et-fucking-cetera. These swerves in our food consumption tend to be expensive, and I try to be GGG regarding this experiment in gastrointestinal distress, but now he insists… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #21 by Dr. Perfect When the Caterpillar Calls Your Child Dear Dr. Perfect, My wife wants to drop acid with our son for his ninth birthday. I have suggested mushrooms instead. How can we compromise to do what’s best for our child? Sincerely, Lost ————- Dear Lost, Do you want to experience… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #20 Maintaining Privacy in Our Thing Dear Dr. Perfect, My granddaughter, who works for me in my business, has sanctimoniously informed me that she (as a millennial) greatly prefers to communicate by text rather than telephone calls, which she deems intrusive, and that her feelings need to be considered by the entire… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #19 Breaking up with Friends During a Crack Up Dear Dr. Perfect, I have a morose friend who overshares his grief and constantly texts me and leaves me feeling like a harried tourist in my own life. Is it okay to break up with him, as if he was a lover in… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #18 by Dr. Perfect All Twerk and No Play Makes for a Dull Retirement Dear Dr. Perfect, How can I persuade my grandfather to stop twerking? He has deep-vein thrombosis, and I am afraid that he’s going to kill himself dancing to Ghostface Killa’s Bulletproof Wallets on repeat all day long. Signed, Worried-in-Peoria… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #17 by Dr. Perfect Family Affairs Dear Dr. Perfect, My wife works out of town with her brother, who is married. My wife has disclosed to me that my sister-in-law’s brother, who we summer with together in Nantucket, cheats on his wife, who thinks they are in a monogamous relationship. My sister-in-law’s… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #16 by Dr. Perfect Rockford Filing Dear Dr. Perfect, What is your favorite episode of “The Rockford Files?” I need to know for my dissertation in American Studies. Gratefully, Dissertating from the Midwest ——————————– Dear Dissertator, I’m surprised that I don’t get more letters about The Rockford Files. My favorite episode would… Continue reading

The Perfect Life #15 by Dr. Perfect The Snyder-verse and Virility Dear Dr. Perfect, Why won’t more people realize that Zack Snyder’s vision was vindicated with the Snyder cut of Justice League? Has there ever been a better 4-hour movie? When will Kevin Feige hire Snyder to direct all the new Avengers films? And when… Continue reading