The Perfect Life #23 by Dr. Perfect
Dear Dr. Perfect,
Are fart orgasms real? My granddaughter insists they area, and she keeps sending me TikTok links that I am too afraid to open? Am I missing out?
A grandmother who loves but doesn’t understand her granddaughter
Dear kindly grandmother,
Remain guarded against unsolicited TikTok links from your granddaughter. I get Instagram messages all the time from anonymous weirdos, heralding some video that I “just have to see.” Like most messages, I ignore them, even from buxom, scantily clad women, asking if I “want to have some fun.” It’s depressing to think they’re fake accounts, so I just assume I’m naturally desirable and ignore them at my peril.
I confirm that fart orgasms or fart-gasms are a real and natural occurrence. You can trust your granddaughter on that. They’re just one of life’s little comedic joys, reducing our most intimate moments to a Farrelly brothers’ film. During the act of love, flatulence can occur upon reaching an orgasm. This happens when our body’s muscles are relaxed and therefore more susceptible to such outright embarrassment.
There are also flatulencies so gratifying in their release, they can cause unexpected orgasms on their own accord. This causes the subject to lift their head back in euphoric ecstasy, with their eyes rolled and mouth agape, blissfully unaware of what has transpired.
The experience, I’m told, is akin to a sexual orgasm due to the intense, sudden release of gas combined with endorphins to produce a moment of undiluted bliss. Unfortunately, anyone else within range of this phenomenon as it happens is most likely to be repelled and potentially traumatized.
Most high school sex ed classes gloss right over this and leave generations of pimple-faced, pubescent noobs in the dark. And as we know, most sinister things happen in the dark, including fart-gasms. Sex is funny. I get a kick out of all the moaning and slobbering and the eventual look of disappointment when she says, “you’re done already?”
Shakespeare applied his own steamy pen to sex comedies under the guise of “romance” in plays like “Much Ado About Nothing” and “Love’s Labour’s Lost.” In my opinion, nothing quite matches the hilarity of two dimwitted teenagers offing themselves in “Romeo and Juliet,” but for some reason, it’s classified as a tragedy.
If you wish to learn more, read my book, “Dr. Perfect onSex: From the Art of Seduction to the Shame of Regret,” out now from Simon & Schuster. I believe fart orgasms are covered in Chapter Five.
If your granddaughter continues to harass you, you’ll need to take her aside and tell her that you’ve learned all there is to know about sex from your vast collection of erotic fiction paperbacks. This will make her curious. She might pick one up and start reading, only to have her wild expectations about sex remain unfulfilled.
That’s all I really expect from my readers.