The Curator of Schlock #14 by Jeffrey Shuster

Heavy Metal

I don’t know what I can say about the 1981 animated anthology movie Heavy Metal that hasn’t been said by countless other fans of the film on countless other blogs. For that matter, I don’t know how I’m even supposed review an anthology movie so I’m going to break this up into two lists.

Ten Things That Come to Mind When I Think of Heavy Metal

1. The most awesome soundtrack ever assembled featuring Devo, Journey, Blue Oyster Cult,  Sammy Hagar, Grand Funk Railroad, Stevie Nicks, and Black Sabbath.
2. The most awesome score ever created by Elmer Bernstein. It was the first time he used the ondes martenot!
3. A space shuttle opens to reveal a 1958 corvette and I can’t help but wonder why all astronauts don’t descend back to Earth in style.
4. A glowing green ball that is the sum of all evils from all planets, galaxies, and dimensions. And it’s voiced by the king of all voice over artists, Percy Rodriguez. That’s pretty darn evil!
5. A cabby that keeps a disintegration ray in his back seat for anyone who points a gun at his head. How cool is that?
6. A nerdy boy who get transported to an alien planet where he transform into a bald superman who he gets the women and kills the bad guys.
7. A larcenous, perverted worm of a starship captain who should be torn into little bitty pieces and eaten alive.
8. A B-17 pilot who has to contend with the reanimated corpses of his fellow airmen.
9. Alien robots that seduce Earth women and promise Jewish weddings.
10. Devo playing  “Through Being Cool” right before a leather clad warrior maiden chops the heads of three barbarians off.

Ten Questions I’ve often pondered about Heavy Metal

1. Why doesn’t a 1958 corvette burn up upon re-entry?
2. Why is a glowing, green ball of evil wasting its time telling stories to a little girl?
3. Why do people keep touching the Loc-Nar? It dissolves their flesh and causes them to suffer an excruciating death.
4. Why don’t modern cabs have disintegration rays installed in the back? Seriously, it’s 2013!
5. Why is Captain Lincoln F. Sternn such a larcenous, perverted worm and why do we love him despite of this?
6. Why is the segment with the cocaine-snorting aliens even in this movie? It has nothing to do with anything.
7. Why is John Candy’s voice used so much in this film? Do we care? No.
8. Why does that one barbarian guy just stand there after his two buddies get their heads chopped off? Fight or flight!
9. Why doesn’t Taarna ever speak? I bet she’d have lots of interesting things to say.
10. Why do so few movies have one-tenth the imagination that Heavy Metal does?

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Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.