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Tag Archives: Jaime Pressly

The Curator of Schlock #39: Van Damme and Trejo, Together Again for the First Time

16 Friday May 2014

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

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Danny Trejo, Gabrielle Fitzpatrick, Jaime Pressly, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jeffrey Shuster, Pat Morita, The Curator of Schlock

The Curator of Schlock #39 by Jeffrey Shuster

Desert Heat: Van Damme and Trejo, Together Again for the First Time

Desert Heat 1

In Desert Heat from director John G. Avildsen, Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Eddie Lomax, a motorcycle enthusiast who has given up on life. He drives his Indian out to middle of the desert with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a .45 in the other. When his motorcycle breaks down, Lomax is ready to meet his maker, but sees the ghost of his friend, Johnny Sixtoes (Danny Trejo) instead. Lomax proudly proclaims how he’s going to kill himself, shooting his .45 off at random. Lomax accidently fires off a round at the pickup of some of the local redneck, methamphetamine drug lords and they don’t take too kindly to his drunken antics. They beat him up, shoot him in the shoulder, leave him for dead, and—worst of all—steal his Indian motorcycle.

Johnny Sixtoes shows up, so I guess he wasn’t dead, technically.

Desert Heat 2

I think Lomax and Sixtoes had been in the army and saw some terrible things (which is why Lomax wanted to kill himself), but getting left for dead by rednecky methamphetamine drug-lords would give anyone a reason to live. You know, for revenge. Plus, there’s a waitress in town named Rhonda (Gabrielle Fitzpatrick) who makes an apple pie that puts a smile on Lomax’s face, but one can’t help, but think it’s Rhonda herself that’s putting that smile on his face. Let’s just say there might be wedding bells in their future.

Lomax must take care of the redneck, methamphetamine drug lords first. By the way, they’re known as The Heathens. I probably should have mentioned that earlier so I wouldn’t have to keep repeating redneck, methamphetamine drug lords for the first three paragraphs of this review. Anyway, The Heathens are making life a living hell for the local residents, scaring away elderly tourists, being rude to Rhonda, and harassing Dottie Matthews (Jaime Pressly), the other waitress who works at Rhonda’s diner.

Desert Heat 3

Lomax convinces a rival gang that The Heathens want them dead. He does this by shooting at them and saying he works for The Heathens. He rescues two women from the rival gang who thank him with a tryst in his hotel room.

Desert Heat 4

The hotel is run by an old lady who’s a Christian fundamentalist with a penchant for snake charming and Wild Turkey. You’d think she’d be offended by such lascivious behavior, but she enjoys the show Lomax is putting on.

Desert Heat 5As the bodies pile up, Lomax employs the services of Jubai Early (Pat Morita), a handyman who’s handy at wrapping dead bodies in plastic wrap before dumping them in a sand pit in the desert. During an attack on The Heathens, Sixtoes gets shot to death, but he comes back at the end of the film riding an Indian motorcycle while the Navajo god Coyote runs alongside him. Perhaps Sixtoes was Coyote all along. Ponder that for awhile.

It’s kept me up at night.

5 Things I Learned from Desert Heat

  1. Tank tops are fashionable as long as you wear a cowboy hat.
  2. You haven’t heard the words apple pie until you’ve heard them with a French accent.
  3. Never send a newbie gang member who’s shy about shooting folks to finish off Van Damme. He won’t see it through.
  4. If you see the ghost of Danny Trejo, good things will follow.
  5. No apple pie is as good as the apple pie made by Rhonda in Desert Heat.

___________

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #36: DOA

18 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

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Devon Aoki, DOA: Dead or Alive, Eric Roberts, Holly Valance, Jaime Pressly, Kung Fu

The Curator of Schlock #36 by Jeffrey Shuster

DOA: Dead or Alive

Ninja Ninja Ninja

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 I remember an episode of Kung Fu The Legend Continues where the bad guy (who I also believe was Kwai Chang Caine’s half-brother) was gathering an army of reincarnated villains from Earth’s history. There was this one dude who was supposed to be the reincarnated Jack the Ripper and this lady who was supposed to be the reincarnated Lizzie Borden. Anyway, I think the bad buy had some magic pendant or bell, and was hoping to channel the forces of darkness to become all-powerful or something. Caine stops him and all is right with the world once again.

You know, super-villains in kung fu movies don’t always have to use sorcery to achieve their ends. I can think of no finer example than 2006’s DOA: Dead Or Alive from director Corey Yuen. In the movie, Dr. Victor Donovan (Eric Roberts) has opted for science as his means for world domination. Using nano-bots, he will record the fighting moves of the greatest martial artists from around the world and download them into a pair of sunglasses.

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With those sunglasses, he’ll become the ultimate, unstoppable fighter. Before all that of course, he’ll need a tournament to lure the best fighters in the world to his island paradise.

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And who are these martial artists? There’s Kasumi, a shinobi ninja princess (Devon Aoki) who leaves her ninja clan to attend DOA to find out what happened to her missing brother, Hayate. Hot on her trail is Ayane, a ninja assassin sworn to kill Kasumi if she leaves the clan. Another ninja, Ryu Hayabusa, follows Kasumi to the tournament to also investigate what happened to her brother. I think he was her brother’s best friend. He may also have a crush on Kasumi, but that neither here nor there.

We also have Tina Armstrong (Jaime Pressly), a superstar pro wrestler who wants to prove to the world that she isn’t fake.

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Her father, Bass Armstrong (Kevin Nash) was also invited to the tournament and he doesn’t have a problem with being a superstar pro wrestler. They fight on a raft in the middle of a pond and Tina wins, moving herself up in the tournament. There’s also another contestant by the name of Zack who keeps flirting with her. She knocks him into a stone railing as a reward.

Let’s see. Who else? There’s Christie (Holly Valance), a master thief and assassin.

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She and her lover, Matthew, have decided to attend the tournament because of the millions that lie hidden on the island somewhere. There’s also Helena Douglas (Sarah Carter), the daughter of the man who invented the nano-bots that will help Dr. Donovan take over the world. Dr. Donovan had Helena’s father murdered, but she doesn’t learn that until much later in the movie. One of the computer geeks has a big old crush on Helena. She also wears roller blades.

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I guess I’m supposed to be going somewhere with this review, but there are just too many characters. Needless to say, Eric Roberts gets his butt kicked by the end of the movie.

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Plus, there’s a scene where the lady fighters play volleyball on the beach, with an official DOA-labeled ball and net. What more could you ask for from a kung fu masterpiece?

Five Things I Learned from DOA: Dead or Alive

  1. Don’t let evil scientists inject you with nano-bots. They’re not doing it for your benefit.
  2. Supervillians tend to stash their cash in giant Buddha heads.
  3. Ninja assassins don’t mess around. They’ll actually try to kill you.
  4. If you see imaginary cherry blossoms float about in front of your eyes, it means you’re in love.
  5. Corey Yuen did the impossible. He made a movie out of the DOA Dead or Alive video games.

___________

Jeffrey Shuster 2

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

 

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