The Curator of Schlock #199 by Jeff Shuster
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Let’s just get this over with.
Sigh. It’s Friday the 13th so I have to cover another Friday the 13th movie. I guess it’s a horror movie so it fits in with this month’s theme. This one is 1984’s Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter from director Joseph Zito. I know for a fact that it isn’t the final chapter because I’ve already reviewed Part VII and this is Part IV.
I’m going to have to break this down into parts. I’m about this close to making this blog about my PEZ collection!
Why do coroners eat sloppy sandwiches around dead bodies?
The body of Jason Voorhees is brought to a nearby hospital. A coroner by the name of Axel is eating a sloppy sandwich. I guess it’s tuna salad or chicken salad, some kind of salad bound with mayo. When the police bring the dead body of Jason Voorhees in, he just lays the sandwich on top of the body only to pick it up again and continue eating. Ewwwwwwww! Oh, it turns out Jason isn’t dead after all. He takes a hacksaw to Axel’s neck and twists his head around while Axel is perving out to some jazzercise videos.
Crispin Glover is in this!
Yeah, Crispin Glover, star of River’s Edge, a wonderful movie about the amoral youth of the 80s. That one also had Keanu in it.
No Keanu in this Friday the 13th movie or any Friday the 13th movie for that matter.
This one does have Lawrence Monoson as Ted who also played the last American virgin in the movie The Last American Virgin. He makes fun of his friend’s lack of sexual prowess, but Crispin Glover’s character gets lucky while Ted is stuck watching stag films from the 1920s while smoking dope. Obviously, they both die horribly.
Everyone dies in this movie!
Just about. We have a whole house of partying teenagers and not one of them is making it out of this movie alive. Jason isn’t even following any rules anymore. If you partake in sinful activity you die, but if you stay on the straight and narrow, you also die. He just doesn’t care anymore. What’s his motivation? Is he still suffering trauma from watching his mother’s head get chopped off or is this killing just part of his nature. I guess the latter. Why does Godzilla torch Tokyo? Because he’s Godzilla. Still, it’s the creative ways he kills people that really stands out this time around. Jason uses corkscrews, machetes, harpoons; whatever he can get his hands on. This guy’s like Rambo if Rambo we’re a psychopath instead of a great American patriot.
Corey Feldman is in this movie!
No Corey Haim, though. I should really do a Two Coreys Month.
We have a vigilante in this movie, a Jason hunter if you will. His name his Rob. He seeks vengeance for the death of his younger sister at the hands of Jason Voorhees. Jason turns Rob into meat. I guess you failed, Rob.
Crispin Glover can dance!