The Curator of Schlock #208 by Jeff Shuster
I Come In Peace
And you go away in pieces!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, especially if the “good night” is being uttered by an angry Dolph Lundgren as he spin kicks your face. That’s right. It’s time to cover my favorite Christmas movie, I Come in Peace.
Hey, I don’t want to hear it! If Die Hard is now up for grabs as everyone’s favorite Christmas movie, mine can be about a drug dealing extra terrestrial and that guy from Dream On. You celebrate Christmas in your way, I’ll celebrate it in mine.
1990’s I Come in Peace from director Craig Baxley is dream come true for those of that like to see things blow up. The movie starts with this yuppie driving a $70,000,000 Cadillac while listening to “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” He almost gets into a accident after complaining about the crappy CD player they installed in his car. Then an alien from outer space crashes into him. First thing out of this E.T.’s mouth is, “I come in peace.” He’s this big and tall blond dude in a trench coat, not the kind of man you’d want to mess with. His eyes are glazed over milky white. Super creepy.
Next scene is a cat burglar of some kind, sneaking into a police evidence room, stealing a suitcase full of heroin, killing the officer on duty, sneaking out of the building dressed as a police officer, and then blowing up the entire police station as he and his men make a getaway. This is all before the intro credits are over with! Enter Dolf Lundgren as detective Jack Caine. He’s setting up a sting operation for a bunch of white-collar drug dealers known as the White Boys. While listening in on the heroin deal his partner is trying to orchestrate, Caine notices a nearby convenience store being robbed by a couple of dirt bags. He decides to intervene, killing the robbers all the while his partner is being gunned down by the White Boys. This is already a great setup, but I Come in Peace delivers so much more than a hard boiled detective hell bent on revenge against a bunch of high-class drug lords.
This is Dolf Lundgren movie after all. The White Boys that stick around to retrieve the heroin get sliced and diced by that big, blond dude from earlier in the film. How does he kill them? He launches a flying compact disc at them that slits their collective throats. Now, this may seem strange to you younglings out there, but back in 1990, the CD was a mysterious object to many of us who didn’t live in a household that had a CD player. So the idea that a CD could be a deadly weapon was completely plausible to me.
It turns out the blond guy is an extra terrestrial drug dealer who gets his victims high on heroin before extracting endorphins directly from their brains. Endorphins are a rare drug on his planet, fetching a high price. Also, it would seem the only words he knows are “I come in peace.” Kind of an odd thing to say before sucking someone’s brain dry of endorphins. He also has a space gun that explodes anything he shoots at!
The movie takes place at Christmas time so I think TBS should marathon this on Christmas day instead of A Christmas Story! Might make a nice change of pace!