The Diaries of a Sozzled Scribbler #10

Transcribed by DMETRI KAKMI

1 June 2020

Drastic times call for drastic measures. A cliche but true. It’s more important now than ever before to know what world leaders think. That is why I follow last month’s interview with Papa (Do-As-I Tell-You-Or-I-Will-Shoot-You) Xi of China with perhaps the most talked-about figure of our times, Donald Trump, President of the United States of America.

The discussion took place under strict quarantine conditions and social distancing in the Oval Office over cups of disinfectant and biscuits laced with hydroxychloroquine to ward off COVID-19. I wore a mask, Trump did not.

S.S: Thank you for the interview, Mr President. I know how busy you are, playing golf.

D.T: Are you a Muslim lady are you going to blow me up?

S.S: I beg your pardon?

D.T: The mask the mask why is your face covered over like a terrorist bomber in the west we believe every beautiful woman is equal her face should be seen and admired I say this to many many people all the time I am big on female libations let me see your beautiful face only the ugly ones should cover up.

S.S: It’s a face mask, Mr President. I was told to wear it by your staff. It’s for your protection.

D.T: Take it off take it all off yeah.

S.S: [removes mask] If you wish.

D.T: Oh god it’s an ugly old man put it back on I don’t want to see your mug.

S.S: [puts mask on again] It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr President.

D.T: You will never meet anybody more immune than me more pleasant than me I don’t get it I don’t understand you know why everywhere we go in the whole wide world the people everywhere in small towns and the biggest most cosmopolitan cities they all love me so much you know they understand me they know who I am admired everywhere we go I can be more presidential than anybody I would say more presidential and I’ve said this a couple of times more presidential than Obama.

S.S: These are challenging times. How are you coping?

D.T: No problem no problem at all nobody knows the system better than me inside out nobody knows politicians better than me nobody burns bridges more than me nobody knows more about trade than me this is why the people everywhere know we are good nobody knows about taxes more than me in the whole history of the world we will come out of this on top the biggest power the earth has ever known which is very small you know compared to the biggest universes out there you may not know this but I understand all the sciences more than anybody else I have studied the China deal in great detail greater by far than anyone else and I know how to handle them that’s why I said to the Australian head honcho over there whatsis name nice man but not as smart as me nobody is as smart as me drop nukiller bombshells on the greatest enemy the planet has ever faced more than the ones in Mars Attacks my favorite documentary of all time.

S.S: You are seen as a divisive figure—

D.T: I am the leader America deserves who is there there’s nobody out there no body but me America is all by itself and I am the only one who knows what is going on the only one who understands the Bible more than me try and find them you won’t find anybody and we find ourselves in at this very moment in like an apocalypse I am the chosen one Israel has been waiting for almost like a million years who will save this whole planet from the brink of falling over as I’ve said before many many times before falling over and not being able to stand up like an old man who is spastic this is why we need to get rid of the windmills—

S.S: Windmills?

D.T: Those big things that know-nothing planet savers say generate electricity out of the sun’s energy—

S.S: Oh, you mean wind turbines.

D.T: … maybe it’s a big lie more fake news I don’t know but they are made by Nazis and Communists who eat dead birds I’ve said this before and I have observed it many time more than any other scientific expedition in history they eat dead birds when they are still living with their skulls off I never understood wind you know I know windmills very much they’re noisy they kill the big birds with clogs you want to see a bird graveyard go under a windmill someday you’ll see more birds than you’ve ever seen in the Playboy mansion and I am very concerned about this because there is no greater environmentalist than me for the planet to be safe for my daughter you know the very smart the very intelligent and very very beautiful Tifanny is more smarter than Merkel except maybe Ivanka any old day.

S.S: Are you trying to start a trade war with China, Mr President?

D.T: The members of our armed forces I and you understand that very well the members of our armed forcer have always lived by the word of Douglas McGraw in war there is no substitute for Victoria’s secrets I’m not hearing bad stories I’m hearing all good stories but the fake news will go out and they’ll find somebody in the system they’ll find somebody they’ll find somebody in this giant medical system the largest system in the world by far they’re going to find somebody that wasn’t treated perfectly I don’t know and he’ll be on the top of the fake news tonight we have breaking news the US is at war with China when nobody has done more to stop that from happening by far.

S.S: China recently said Australia is the lapdog of the US. Do you agree?

D.T: When I say jump Australia says how high.

S.S: I see…

S.S: When China says jump Australia says how much?

S.S: I believe I understand.

D.T: I’m glad you do because I have no idea what I just said.

S.S: What do you want to say to the American people in the lead up to the next election?

D.T: Today I’m calling upon all 59 states to immediately waive all state taxes as well from now on no American will have to pay big taxes to Hollywood lefties or the so called World Health Organisation which is like a Mafia run by pretty boy over there in France Trudeau who was a male prostitute getting pissed on you know during world war three but things change there has to be flexibility let me give you an example President Xi we have a like a really great relationship for a German or me to call him a crazy manipulator and then say by the way I’d like you to solve the North Korean problem doesn’t work so Merkel spoke to him because you know she and he are on the same chair and I really like Merkel we get on very well together she and I being German chancellors from way back you have to have a certain flexibility number one number two from the time I took office till now you know it’s a very exact science you have to know what you’re doing it’s not like generalities do you want a disinfectant or anything?

S.S: Mr President, thank you. It’s been enlightening. All the best.

D. T: Well the one thing I would say and I say this to people I never realized how big it was everything’s so like you know the orders are so massive I was talking to—

S.S: Until next we meet. Cheerio!

The Sozzled Scribbler was born in the shadow of the Erechtheion in Athens, Greece, to an Egyptian street walker (his father) and a Greek bear wrestler (his mother). He has lived in Istanbul, Rome, London, New Orleans and is currently stateless. He partakes of four bottles of Bombay gin and nine packets of Gauloises cigarettes a day.

Dmetri Kakmi, is a writer and editor. His first book Mother Land was shortlisted for the New South Wales Premier’s Literary Awards in Australia, and his new book The Door will be released in September 2020.