The Diaries of a Sozzled Scribbler

Transcribed by DMETRI KAKMI

1 July 2020

J. K. Rowling has been in the news a lot lately—for all the wrong reasons, I might add. As a responsible member of the global community I felt the need to approach this much loved, yet divisive figure, to find out what is going on.

The interview took place as the famed author dashed across Charing Cross Station’s Platform No 9¾, quaint Louis Vuitton luggage in hand, to escape an angry mob of cocks in frocks.

S.S: May I call you Jo?

J.K.R: By all means.

S.S: That’s a male name, isn’t it?

J.K.R: It’s also a woman’s name. Without the ‘e’.

S.S: Are you giving us a clue?

J.K.R: To what?

S.S: Are you one of those transistors you have been attacking lately?

J.K.R: [laughs] You mean transgender.

S.S: That’s what I said. Transistors are the most voluble—I mean vulnerable—minority in society and you, a privileged white woman, have launched an attack on them.

J.K.R: I’m speaking out for women, not against transgender people.

S.S: You protest too much. I think you are transistor and I think you’re trying to hide it out of shame, guilt, and a poor dress sense.

J.K.R: Absurd.

S.S: Then why does Daniel Day Lewis hate you.

J.K.R: You mean Daniel Radcliffe. He’s playing to the gallery. He, like most celebrities, says what people want to hear. I on the other hand care about the rights of women and I recognise that men are undermining our hard-won rights by hijacking the debate and turning it into a scrum fight.

S.S: I’m the love child of Daniel Day Lewis and Isabelle Adjani. That’s why I’m consistently voted the most beautiful man in the world. I might change sex one day and take full advantage. Do you think the name Seraphina von Schtupp suits me?

J.K.R: [Taken aback.] What’s that got to do with this discussion? Hold on. Lewis and Adjani? Aren’t you older than both those actors put together?

S.S: How dare you. Ageist and transphobic. Now I see why the internet says you are filled with hate.

J.K.R: It’s not hateful to speak the truth about sex differences. And it’s not hateful to be concerned about the safety of women and girls in what is supposed to be a single-sex space, like toilets and change rooms, being used by people who are not women. How would you like it if women used the men’s room?

S.S: Fine by me. I don’t use lavatories. I have evolved beyond such animal instincts. You are aware, of course, that nowadays there is no such thing as sex. It’s all…how do you say? Bodily fluids.

J.K.R: [Laughs.] I think you mean sexuality is fluid.

S.S: I know what I mean.

J.K.R: If sex is not real then there is no such thing as same-sex attraction. If sex isn’t real, then why does a small minority want to change sex? If sex isn’t real then women’s experience is nullified.

S.S: What do you say to people who claim there is no such thing as ‘a woman’, only people who menstruate.

J.K.R: If there is no such thing as a woman, then there is no such a thing as a man.

S.S: Of course there’s such a thing as a man. Someone has to commandeer the ship and keep bleeders in their place.

J.K.R: [Shudders.] ‘Bleeders’, ’People who menstruate’. Such ugly, hateful, terms. Only a man who hates women could invent them. Goes well with TERF, CIS woman, and other words that nullify a biological woman’s experience and make them invisible.

S.S: Is that why you hate Felicity Huffman and Jared Leto?

J.K.R: They are actors who played transgender characters in films. I don’t hate them.

S.S: Do you think people who aren’t trans should play trans in films.

J.K.R: Yes, that’s why it’s called acting. The people who play witches in films based on my books aren’t really witches, you know.

S.S: I’m shocked to the core. That’s trampling on Endora’s inhuman rights.

J.K.R: Sorry to shatter your illusions.

S.S: Why do you hate transistors? All they’re doing is amplify electronic signals across the galaxy to contact aliens, like Gort in The Day the Earth Stood Still. He was trans, you know… A butch, hostile, one. Like a lot of trans activists, come to think of it…

J.K.R: I do not hate transgender people. I have trans friends—

S.S: That’s like saying I’m not racist because I have friends who are marathon runners. Or I’m not homophobic because I have friends who wear Acqua Di Gio.

J.K.R: [Sniffs.] Is that what I can smell on you?

S.S: No, that’s gin. I bathe in it every morning. It keeps me jeune et jolie, non?

J.K.R: Look, all I know is the concept of debate has deteriorated. To question, to critique, is not the same as hate. My life has been shaped by being female. I do not believe it’s hateful to say so.

S.S: What prompted you to write a series of children’s books that promote the love that started this brouhaha?

J.K.R: Which books are you referring to?

S.S: The Hairy Poofter* series.

J.K.R: [Laughs.] You mean Harry Potter.

S.S: That’s what I said.

J.K.R: The Harry Potter books are about a wizard who—

S.S: Nonsense. Hairy Poofter and the Chamber of Secrets—if that’s not a reference to anal sex, I don’t know what is. Hairy Poofter and the Goblet of Fire—surely a goblet of fire, in this infernal instance, is the engorged penis, shooting its love juices into the chamber of secrets. Hairy Poofter and the Cursed Child—a reference to someone who doesn’t know if they’re Arthur or Martha. Seems to me your books are full of messages, especially when you read them backwards inside a hexagram.

J.K.R: I’ve been accused of a lot of things, but never that. I’ve a train to catch.

S.S: A final word for your critics?

J.K.R: I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed.

Until next we meet. Cheerio!

* British/Australian for Faggot.

The Sozzled Scribbler was born in the shadow of the Erechtheion in Athens, Greece, to an Egyptian street walker (his father) and a Greek bear wrestler (his mother). He has lived in Istanbul, Rome, London, New Orleans and is currently stateless. He partakes of four bottles of Bombay gin and nine packets of Gauloises cigarettes a day.

Dmetri Kakmi, is a writer and editor. His first book Mother Land was shortlisted for the New South Wales Premier’s Literary Awards in Australia, and his new book The Door will be released in September 2020.