The Perfect Life #14 by Dr. Perfect

Seize the Day-drinking

Dear Dr. Perfect,

I like drinking. I drink every day. My favorite drink is Fireball, because shouldn’t everyday feel like a party? How long should I wait to start drinking? My boss said that I should wait until at least 4 PM, and that maybe I should drink something with less aroma, since my breath is apparently scaring the clients I represent in court. Who could complain about cinnamon? What is happening in this country?

Sincerely,

A patriot

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Dear Patriot,

There’s nothing wrong with a little Fireball to get the senses going. Its sweet cinnamon aftertaste makes it one of the more ideal drinks for functioning alcoholics.

Your dilemma is one of excess. The old adage about having too much of a good thing comes to mind, but I’m not here to preach, condemn, or even condone. I instead wish to offer my ever-insightful secrets for the perfect life.

The demands of the legal world can ravage anyone with drink. I don’t care much for lawyers myself, but I’m not whispering into your ear to lay off the sauce. I’m also not suggesting that you can drink every day without eventual consequences. Find a realistic balance between your daily party of one and your responsibilities as a seemingly good standing member of society.

An old friend of mine started his morning off with vodka. It was the cheap stuff, too. I said, “Sam, you’re not a Russian peasant, at least drink with some class,” but he really enjoyed it. He was a mechanic. In fact, he was my mechanic, and I’d always find little airplane bottles littered under the seat. I searched in vain for a respectable whisky or spiced rum amongst the mess, but it was always low-grade vodka. I was appalled.

I stopped taking my car to him after he passed out and urinated in the backseat. I said, “Sam, this is a new low, even for you.” He denied it, even after being caught. He was just resting his eyes, he said, despite leaving me waiting in the lobby for two hours. The smell of urine was just my imagination, and the stain on his pants was spilled coffee. He always had an answer for everything. Last I heard, he was spinning signs for those places that do your taxes and has since quick drinking. And while I was happy for him, I felt it best to give us some space.

Your boss seems like a fair-minded human who could be looking out for your well-being. But I’d also be wary of workplace dictates, they’re very stifling. I could drink all I want and still answer up to five letters a day, if needed, but I usually just stick to my glass of white wine with dinner and bottle of Bushmill’s before bed. Your drinking is your business and no one else’s.

As for someone who once had a normal job with normal hours (sales and marketing), the most appropriate time to start drinking is after 4:00 p.m. Alas, your overbearing boss is right.

Your insistence on bypassing the norms has made you righteously indignant. Fireball, as your drink of choice, has created a rift between a career and your favorite pastime. You must be smart, though. Most people look at day-drinkers with suspicion and near contempt. Employers outright prohibit such behavior. But, as we know, every big shot executive portrayed in movies has a fully stocked bar in their office. That’s perfectly acceptable and not at all strange. If you ever have the time, model your office in such a manner and join the club. Your crippling dependence on alcohol won’t seem nearly as strange.

Reevaluate your priorities. Try relegating boozing to the weekend. Your liver might thank you, as a friend and vital organ. If that proves to be a burden or a lifeless pursuit, think of the children. I’m not referring to any children in particular, but that phrase seems to guilt certain people into action. I’m not sure if you have a spouse or significant other or if that’s even possible given your routine, but they should be able to guide you in the right direction too. Unless they’re an alcoholic as well, which generally creates a co-dependent, destructive relationship, which can also be fun.

My parting advice is as follows: Wear a vintage velvet blazer and brandish a martini in the courtroom, as though you’re at the top of your game. Balance an unlit cigarette holder in your free hand and engage the judge and jury in witty banter with the charm of a slurring Dean Martin. You know how these things go. Going to court would be a lot more fun if they’d booze the place up a little.

Lay off the Fireball until the workday ends, or at least chew some gum to conceal the fumes. Wear extra cologne to musk the liquor aroma you exude, scaring off clients and such.

The beauty of life is our opportunity to start each day fresh to make new and wiser decisions.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.