The Perfect Life #27 by Dr. Perfect

A Best Man for the Worst Groom

My best friend from college has asked me to be his best man at his wedding, but I am not sure I can do that since he cheats on his fiancé all the time and brags about it when he is drunk. Wouldn’t I the better man if I told his fiancé about all this? Or should I talk to him about this?

Maybe they are in an open relationship, but since I am not her best friend, I never hear her confessions. But really I wonder if she’ll have morpions nesting on her wedding dress, the very thought of which makes me itchy. What is the perfect thing to do? How can I live with myself?

Torn

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Dear Torn,

This is a strangely familiar scenario that I probably saw in a buddy comedy or soap opera. Its biblical origins are also noted. Why are you hanging out with such scumbags in the first place? It’s true that we don’t always choose our friends, but perhaps it’s time to change up.

I’d certainly avoid being pulled into some bizarre love triangle. Those never turn out well, despite what you might read in tawdry romance novels, which I adore, by the way. By now, I’ve been a groomsman more than I can remember. I’ve performed best man duties twice for my louse of a half-brother, who couldn’t keep a marriage together if his life depended on it. Imagine giving two different speeches to the same person.

Third time’s a charm, they say.

Why is that? Do we statistically improve at something by its third iteration? I know it’s just an expression, but so is “pass the potatoes.” Remember that one? You couldn’t walk across the street without someone saying it, generally implying sex for money. We live in a filthy world.

This groom seems to be to his knees in illicit affairs, but if experience has taught me anything, any man that boastful is generally embellishing or trying to compensate for something. This isn’t to suggest that he’s making everything up. I would just subtract about half of those claimed encounters from the scorecard.

Could they be in an open relationship? Anything’s possible. I’ve received several letters from lost souls, asking about open relationships. It absolutely can work if you’re both moral degenerates.

I assume that the groom wouldn’t classify his predilection for romantic trysts as cheating, open relationship or not.

If he’s already cheating, he doesn’t respect his fiancé. Respect is crucial in sustaining a relationship. Without mutual respect, any union would wither and die, just like the movie industry.

A fair-minded, timid person would hesitate to get involved. That’s why I officially sanction you to intrude into their personal lives with the fervor of a 1970s TV detective. Firstly, tell the groom that his behavior deeply offends you. Then go behind his back and inform the bride-to-be of the terrible mistake she’s about to make. Perhaps she needs to change up as well to a suitor already in her life who is more attentive to her needs. There I go citing my romance novels again.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, which is another common expression/cliché thought of by some passé know-it-all. Stop waffling around and act. Follow the groom around to see if his stories add up. Take pictures and even dabble in some blackmail, which is always good for a lark.

It’s never too late to involve yourself in other peoples’ affairs like some doddering busybody IRS tax collector. Take heart in the fact that if you don’t expose this charade, someone else will. And if you choose to let it be, don’t be surprised when you’re called back to be the best man a fourth or fifth time.

Consider an anonymous call from a payphone or something. Be creative. Life is not a porno movie, as I’ve learned in encounters with cable repair technicians, teachers, real estate agents, and police officers. These professions have yet to make a pass at me.

The best option, however, is to save all the juicy details for the best man toast. You could land a debilitating blow that won’t be soon forgotten.

That’s if you’re an outright sociopath.

Whatever you decide, let me know. I’ve got a pool running with the other advice columnists. Most of them think that you’re going to fold, but I have faith that you’ll do the right thing, whatever that may be in this crazy world.


Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.