The Perfect Life # 28 by Dr. Perfect
Dear Dr. Perfect,
I want my husband to get a vasectomy, but he’s a really light sleeper. What should I do?
Both sexes are in constant struggle about the shared the responsibility of birth control. Some would say that it all comes down to the sperm. Others would say the egg. But we all know you can’t create a drooling poop-machine without both.
If you’re considering performing the procedure on your husband, ensure that your equipment is sterilized. Slip some Nyquil and tranquilizers into his hot cocoa. I would also sincerely hope that you both remain masked during the nocturnal surgery, COVID concerns and all.
Maybe you’re a doctor or just a nut, but we can agree that you’re quite determined. My father often joked that I was an accident. It was his go-to dad joke. “Your mother couldn’t afford birth control,” he would say. “I refused condoms,” was another. He would tap into this wealth of material at the most inappropriate times, like a grandpa’s funeral.
But once I turned eighteen and poised to hop on the Union Pacific toward a journey of self-discovery in California, he admitted that I was very much planned and that they were proud of me. “I know, Dad,” I said.
He admitted that he underwent a vasectomy when I was in my terrible twos. A few years later, he got a reverse vasectomy after discovering the joy of parenting, unaware that my mother had already had her tubes tied by then.
My parents were a hoot.
The steps to a perfect life aren’t hard. Cut out all the negative static and embrace a path of insulated self-empowerment that would make the Minutemen proud. They were a feisty bunch of go-getters during the American Revolution. Speaking of history, do you know when the first vasectomy was performed? I don’t, but I assume it was on a hamster or rodent or something.
Some things are forever. Fortunately, vasectomies, tattoos, and marriages aren’t. I’m on my second Star Trek/Star Wars crossover fan fiction manuscript, eagerly awaiting a Random House deal. Wish me luck!