The Perfect Life #38 by Dr. Perfect

The Beasts of Love

Dear Dr. Perfect,

My husband and I have an ongoing argument: dogs in or out of the bedroom while we have sex. I say let them stay. They whine the whole time they’re locked out and I can’t focus on pleasure. However, if my husband locks eyes with one of them, he instantly loses his boner. You see the dilemma.

What can we do?

Signed,
Doglover69

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Dear DL69,

Have you ever considered cats? They pay scant attention to what’s going on in the bedroom or any other room, for that matter.

I hesitate to mention my feline Archibald, as the pain of his loss still weighs heavily. But since we’re talking about dogs here, I’ll try to relate.

You’ve got a ruff situation. Nsexual othing should get in the way of your needs and having them satisfied. A good spouse understands that. A considerate spouse wouldn’t let a couple of gawking, drooling beasts distract him performing his duties. If your spouse can fantasize about other women during the act of lovemaking (which I’m assuming he does), he can ignore family canines.

When your husband’s not fantasizing, his entire attention should be on you. It’s easy to be self-conscious in the presence of animals, but animals will do just about anything in broad view, and they’re supposed to be the lesser species. I rest my case.

Dogs are indifferent to our behavior when it doesn’t involve food or pampering. Most of the time, they couldn’t care less if we walked off a bridge. But miss feeding time, and you’ll never hear the end of it. I’m no expert, but I did once live with a woman who owned several Pomeranians. I barely got out of that situation alive.

Don’t get me wrong. I love all animals, especially the hyper-dependent, slovenly kind that claw at your pant leg and sniff your crotch. They’re quite endearing. One way to turn any rambunctious Rover into a placid pooch would be to get them spayed or neutered. Bob Barker knows best. Just look at that last name.

If castration isn’t the answer, set up a series of diversions that will draw your calamitous canines away from the four minutes of pleasure you so desperately need. Place within another room an array of tempting treats and close the door. Driven by scent, your dogs won’t be able to resist. They’ll whine and claw at the door of said room, but that will be just far enough out of earshot for your husband to maintain an erection.

If not, talk to both your husband and the beasts. Decide which one you could possibly live without. This isn’t the usual domestic dilemma of finances or who has possession of the remote during TV time. This is about sex.

Either your husband takes you on that Paris vacation you’ve wanted or he’s in the doghouse for good.

A wise man once said, hair of the dog that bit you. And on that note, I need another brandy. These cozy new slippers I purchased make walking around the house a real treat. I could recommend some great brands in the interim.


Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.