The Perfect Life #52 by Dr. Perfect

I ran over my neighbor’s Pomeranian whilst backing out of my driveway. They’ve hired a lawyer and commenced legal proceedings even though I used every normal precaution when backing out. They are claiming that I am morally and financially responsible since the dog was asleep in their living room at the time, as if accidents don’t occur. 

What should I do?

Signed, 

The Most Innocent Person Alive

———————

Dear Wrongfully Accused,

As daily conundrums go, you’ve raised the bar. It’s almost as bad as the time I backed my car into an entire political dynasty. 

I’m no legal expert, but you should countersue immediately. Any dilemma, with the proper finesse, can be tailored toward your benefit. Did you intentionally drive your vehicle through your neighbor’s domicile with malicious intent to harm their dog? That’s absurd. Such accusations are tantamount to a hate crime. What about your well-being and mental anguish?

I know nothing of your case, but let’s start with some basic lessons in deflection. The expression “caught with your pants down” implies the subject is exposed and misdeeds brought to light. Pleading the fifth against self-incrimination is one way to mitigate this bumpy road. 

Let’s say someone produced video evidence of you committing a crime. Respond that the footage was deceptively edited. What about witnesses? They’re rogue opportunists out to destroy you and so on. I learned all I know about the law from Boston Legal. 

If you’ve read my previous columns, you’ll know my general thoughts on lawyers. After six marriages searching for the perfect bride, I’ve dealt with my fair share of courtroom chicanery from these bloodsucking bastards.   

Not all lawyers are bad. I know a few who can help your case, and not one of them murdered their wife and son in some bizarre life insurance scheme to support their drug habit. Rest assured there are no Murdaughs in the Dr. Perfect Rolodex. 

You could always represent yourself. Strong legal representation requires more than a fancy suit and barrister wig. You must use the power of persuasion, leaving no doubt in the minds of your accusers. There’s no better way to accomplish this feat than with an array of comedic props. 

A squeaky toy gavel, for instance, would have ’em rolling in the aisles. An oversized judge robe with a groin hand pump would be the cherry on top. I’m laughing already. 

Maybe the case doesn’t even need to go to court. You could reach a compromise or settlement to the tune of one replacement Pomeranian. Can anyone tell the difference from one to the next? 

If the entire ordeal was just an accident, apologize and be done with it. I say, forgive and forget. Of course, if you had driven through my living room, you’d already be dead.

People will go after you for anything nowadays. Even “Sully” the hero pilot dealt with his airline company’s investigation and ensuing legal drama after he safely landed a malfunctioning commercial plane in the Hudson River. 

Your situation is a little different, but the principles are the same. Who’s to say you can’t safely land a plane too? I should have been a lawyer.

_______

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.