I’ve been warned by my attorney not to mention what happened to a punk resembling Waldo from Where’s Waldo?. I’m not supposed to mention that in a fit of rage at the destruction of the Museum of Schlock’s statue of Carl Weathers that I sicced Edwige, my steadfast kangaroo companion, on him. I’m not supposed to mention that she repeatedly stomped on his face.

Not that any of that happened.

I was just fooling, We let the punk go after he promised to keep his nose clean from now on. Would I lie to you?

This week’s movie is 1982’s Visiting Hours from director Jean-Claude Lord. It stars Lee Grant, Michael Ironside, Linda Puri, and William Shatner. Wait! What? Michael Ironside and William Shatner in the same movie? Can I handle this much testosterone on screen? Unfortunately, this is not a buddy cop movie, but a creeper serial killer movie. William Shatner plays a wishy washy TV producer. Michael Ironside plays the creeper. Too bad.

Lee Grant plays Deborah Ballin, a rabble rouser that angers fat cats with her feminist critiques or something like that. Her producer, Gary Baylor (William Shatner), tells Deborah that her latest interview won’t be aired because the network doesn’t want to get sued for libel. She heads home in a huff, but upon entering her house, finds that the shower is running. At first Deborah thinks the maid stayed late, but soon discovers that she has a home invader in her house, a psychopath named Colt Hawker (Michael Ironside).

Colt is a weirdo who spends his spare time writing letters to the editor about how the country is going to hell in a handbasket. He especially has a problem with women due to childhood trauma resulting from his mother throwing hot oil on his abusive father’s face. Anyway, Deborah fights for her life as Colt stalks his prey. In a rather tense scene, Deborah hides in a dumbwaiter and slowly tries to crank herself down to the first floor when Colt rips open the dumbwaiter door and cuts the rope, sending Deborah and the dumbwaiter crashing to the first floor.

Deborah survives the fall and is sent to County General Hospital. Some of her injuries were near fatal, but she should be good as new after surgery. Meanwhile, we get a glimpse into Colt’s apartment. His various letters to the editors are framed on his walls. Inside a locked closet are photos of the old women he’s murdered, blood and terror on their faces. He drives around in a black serial killer van with a florist’s sign attached to avoid suspicion that he’s a serial killer. I really don’t like this guy.

Colt sneaks into the hospital with some flowers. He overhears a nurse named Sheila (Linda Purl) talking about Deborah. Colt locates the room Deborah is in and cuts her lifeline, but it’s some other patient. The staff had moved Deborah to another room. Colt leaves, but slices up a nurse on his way out. Sheila notices him leaving after discovering his victims. The police offer to escort Sheila home, but she says she’ll be fine. Naturally, Colt follows her home.

For those of you expecting a duke out between Shatner and Ironside on the hospital roof, you’ll be sorely disappointed. You do get a scene of Bill Shatner eating some butterscotch pudding so I guess that’s something. I don’t know. I guess Visiting Hours comes off as a slightly elevated slasher due to its hospital setting. That can’t be a cheap place to shoot a movie in. Until next time.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, and episode 599) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.