There I was with my faithful companion the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando and Edwige, a female kangaroo fitted with boxing gloves. I wondered how we were going to rid the Museum of Schlock of the Goose Lord and his gang of thugs. If only I had access back then what I have access to now. I could have taken Dune Part 2, projected it on a big screen for all the gang members to see, and bored them all to death. — To be continued. 

Tonight’s movie is 1976’s The Tough Ones from director Umberto Lenzi. Yes, it’s high time I entered into the world of Poliziotteschi, Italian crime movies that were so popular in the 1970s. This one is a slice of life in the week of a cop living in 1970s Rome, a cop by the name of Inspector Leonardo Tanzi (Maurizio Merli). He’s a handsome Italian man with a boss mustache and fists of steel, but is that enough to stop the creepers and thugs making Rome a cesspool of violence?

Inspector Tanzi is head of the anti-gang squad, but that doesn’t stop him from getting reprimanded by his boss, Vice-Commissioner Ruini (Arthur Kennedy), for actually going after the criminals and maybe not playing by the book. How an Irish-American became a Vice-Commissioner in Rome is beyond me? I wonder if the Grim Reaper looks and sounds like Arthur Kennedy because the man’s face is an abyss that I don’t want to look into.

The main villain of this picture is a hunchback named Vincenzo Moretto (Tomas Milian), the brother-in-law of a man suspected of robbing a bank and killing a security guard. Tanzi finds (plants) some blow in Moretto’s car and promptly arrests him. Moretto demands to use the bathroom and proceeds to pee all over the floor before slitting his wrists with the band of his watch and blaming it on police brutality so Ruini drops the charges of drug possession and assigns Tanzi to license and permits.

This doesn’t stop Tanzi from running into disgusting criminals during his off time. He chases down a rape gang led by the son of prominent rich man, but that doesn’t stop Tanzi from shoving the rich kid’s head through a pinball table and giving chase to him and his chums. Richie Rich even tries to run Tanzi down a couple of times before Tanzi shoots a couple of bullets into his head.

Let’s get back to Moretto. He’s had a beef with Tanzi ever since he made Moretto swallow a gold bullet. This golden bullet was given to Tanzi by his girlfriend after some goons stuffed her into a car and in the junkyard and almost crushed the car. It was Moretto’s idea to intimidate Tanzi, but Tanzi forces him to swallow it whole. After crapping the bullet out, Moretto’s vows to kill Tanzi with the golden bullet. 

The Tough Ones is a fun ride while it lasts. The chase scene with Moretto forcing an ambulance driver at gunpoint to drive is worth your time alone.

What else are you going to do on a Friday night?

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, and episode 599) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.