“That little shit stole my Snickers,” screamed Albert Simmons, accountant to the Goose Lord and his gang. 

“I’ll buy you a Payday,” I said, hoping this could all just blow over and I could find out how my compatriot, Waldo, was doing since he was bleeding all over the place a few hours earlier. 

“No,” Albert said as he dashed down the hall. “I’m getting what’s mine.” I knew Albert was going to chase down that kid in the beanie and take the candy out of his hands.

— To be continued. 

This week’s movie is 1985’s Ghoulies from director Luca Bercovici. When one is the Curator of Schlock, there are certain mountains one must climb in order for you to maintain your credibility. If you look at the poster, you see this goblin thing in overalls popping out of a toilet.

It’s around this time that I start reexamining my life choices and how I got here.

I’ll put that out of my mind for now and watch this puppet horror movie from the mid 80s.

Our movie begins with a Satanic ceremony that’s occurring in a medieval monastery or the basement of a 1980s California home. Turns out it is the latter. An evil warlock named Malcolm Graves (Michael Des Barres) has a terrible demand from his hooded followers. He wants a child to be sacrificed, his own son! But the boy’s mother, Anastasia (Victoria Catlin), offers herself in place of the child. Malcolm then orders his servant, Wolfgang (Jack Nance), to take the child away. Then Malcolm explodes Anastasia’s chest with a magic spell.

Fast forward twenty years and a young man named Jonathan (Peter Liapis) has inherited a mansion from his late father, Malcolm Graves, a man he never knew. Jonathan’s girlfriend, Rebecca (Lisa Pelikan), asks to throw a party with only a few guests. This small party turns into a raucous affair with a host of malcontents partaking in the activities. Their names are Mike (Scott Thomson), Dick (Keith Joe Dick), and Toad Boy (Ralph Seymour). Mike is a chain smoking dork who wears his sunglasses at night. Dick is a self-professed ladies man with a one track mind. Toad Boy is a creeper who keeps talking about his need for “sweet meat.” 

During the after party, Jonathan convinces his friends to play a game which is actually a ritual to summon something awful from hell. Boy, do I miss the 80s. You didn’t have people mesmerized by their smartphones, The young people back then actually dabbled in Satanic witchcraft! Jonathan leads his friends through the ritual, but nothing seems to happen. They leave to chug some more beers, but then a tiny troll-like creature materializes with sharp teeth and drool sliding off its lips.

Over the next few weeks, Jonthan drops out of college and decides to focus on Satanism full time. He summons a couple of dwarves at one point to do his bidding. More ghoulies appear and they have a penchant for leaping at your face and devouring your eyeballs. I think that happens to Toad Boy so that’s no huge loss. Oh, and Malcolm Graves rises from the grave to wreak havoc on the world. That makes sense. You don’t cast Michael Des Barres in your movies unless you plan to use him. 

One last thought. The score for this Ghoulies was composed by Richard Band and Shirley Walker. Richard Band wrote the score for Re-Animator and Shirley Walker was responsible for the music accompanying every episode of Batman: The Animated Series. And yet it took the combined force of these two brilliant musicians to create the score for Ghoulies. Go figure. 

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, and episode 645) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.