Albert Simmons, accountant to the Goose Lord and his gang, had dashed after a kid that had taken the last two Snickers Almonds from the hospital vending machine. I rushed after Albert, but just missed him getting into an elevator with the kid and a large man inside. I yelled at him to hold it for me, but the doors shut and up the elevator went.

— To be continued. 

Tonight’s movie is 1986’s Critters from director Stephon Herek. I’ve often heard it said that Ghoulies ripped off Critters, but please tell me something. How could Ghoulies have ripped off Critters if it was released a full year prior? Plus, the Critters are space aliens while the Ghoulies were summoned from hell. Totally different thing. 

What’s the plot? A bunch of nasty Critters escape from an extraterrestrial penal colony. The prison warden, a pale egghead in a floating chair, hires a couple of intergalactic bounty hunters to find the Critters and exterminate them. The warden figures the Critters will need to feed and the closest planet with an ample food supply is the planet Earth.

We’re then introduced to the Brown family from the American heartland. Jay Brown (Billy Bush) is the father. Helen Brown (Dee Wallace) is the mother. April (Nadine van der Velde) is the temperamental teenage daughter and Brad (Scott Grimes) is the mischievous preteen son. We also have Charlie McFadden (Don Keith Opper), a drunken farmhand that insists he can hear alien communications through his teeth fillings and blames beings from outer space for his failed baseball career. 

Getting back to the two bounty hunters, these are strange humanoid looking beings with glow-in-the-dark heads that have no distinguishing facial features. After researching Earth, one of them chooses the visage of a popular hair metal singer. His face melts, contorts, and rebuilds to look exactly like the celebrity. The other bounty hunter can’t seem to choose a face he likes so he leaves the ship with his glow-in-the-dark putty head still intact. Eventually, he morphs his face based on random towns folk he runs into. 

The Critters land not too far from the Brown family farm. They devour a local sheriff’s deputy who goes to investigate. How would I describe the Critters? They’re kind of like Tribbles from Star Trek if Tribbles could roll around at high speed and unfold to unveil grimacing faces with sharp teeth. The Critters can also shoot quills at unsuspecting victims, knocking them unconcious for easy munching. These things are hungry and the more they eat, the bigger they get. 

It’s not long before the Brown family encounter these creatures. Jay Brown runs into several Critters in the basement and has to contend with these furry little balls sinking their teeth into his soft flesh before managing to pull them off. April Brown has to contend with her hot date, Steve (Billy Zane), getting devoured right in front of her. 

Meanwhile, the two bounty hunters are going on a tear in this small Kansas town. They keep asking local citizens if they’ve seen the Krites and they don’t know what the bounty hunters are talking about. And these bounty hunters keep causing collateral dange everywhere they go. They destroy  the front of a church and disrupt a league game at a bowling alley. 

Eventually, Brad runs for help and finds the bounty hunters. He informs them of the situation and Critter hunting begins. I don’t know. There’s something adorable about little furry creatures with sharp teeth. I’m kind of on their side. They just want something to eat. 

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, and episode 645) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.