My life flashed before my eyes. That first time seeing Howard the Duck, Roadhouse, and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. That time I got my outward retainer stuck in my left eye. That time I stuck a wad of aluminum foil in the microwave to see what happened. These are the things one thinks of before one dies. The bullet blasted off from the revolver in the Banana-Man’s hand.

I knew it was curtains for me.

— To be continued.

Speaking of revolvers, tonight’s movie is 1973’s Revolver from director Sergio Sollima. It stars Oliver Reed, a man who kind of terrifies me. I remember he was once a guest of the Merve Griffin Show along with Charo and Orson Wells. Reed claimed to be descended from Russian Royalty and stated how much he loved American hamburgers. It almost seemed like he and Orson Wells were about to come to blows, but then Reed told Wells he was brilliant.

The focus of our movie is Vito Cipriani (Oliver Reed), a tough-as-nails prison warden stopping a prisoner from slicing himself to death. Vito’s life isn’t all bad though. He’s got a pretty young wife named Anna (Agostina Belli) waiting for him at home. Unfortunately, he shows up home one night and there’s no sign of Anna. Vito then gets a phone call from some criminals telling him that they have his wife. If Vito wants to see his wife alive again, he’ll need to break a low-life thief out of the prison, a man named Milo (Fabio Testi).

Milo is a self-proclaimed born criminal, but he’s charming in his own way. Vito can’t get any answers as to who Milo’s associates are or why they want him out of prison. Vito doesn’t go to the police and instead beats the crap out of Milo in order to send him to the infirmary where there’s little security. A few loose boards in the bathroom and Milo is on the lamb, but he doesn’t get too far when Vito pulls him into a car at gunpoint. Milo still insists he doesn’t know who wants him out of prison or for what reason.

I have to admit, this movie loses me after a while. For instance, the first set of kidnappers get fired only to be replaced by a well-dressed man who I assume is from the mafia. Also, this guy is connected to some Italian folk singer who was once best friends with Milo before he left a life of petty theft for a music career. In the search for Anna, Vito and Milo illegally cross into France as they’re now wanted by the law for the whole prison breakout incident.

Vito finally reaches out to the criminals and an exchange is set, but the kidnappers just start shooting at Vito and Milo. Vito comes to the conclusion that the kidnappers wanted Milo out of prison so they could kill him. If that’s all they wanted to do, why didn’t they just do an honest exchange? Vito gets his wife back and Milo gets taken away suspecting nothing until he gets a bullet in the back of the skull. Wouldn’t that have been easier?

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, episode 645, and episode 670) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.