We were done for. Edwige, my kangaroo companion from my misadventures in North America, and the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando, were down for the count. The Goose Lord and his gang of malcontents. A whirring in the air caused me to gaze up, and I saw six transport helicopters flying in unison in the sky. Tethered to them was a long rectangular box. 

“It’s here,” the Goose Lord said before that guttural laugh spilled out. Then he looked at me and shot a metallic clamp in my direction. As soon as it hit me, electricity zooted through my body and everything went dark.

— To be continued. 

Tonight’s movie is 1988’s Die Hard from director John McTiernan. Every Christmas season an argument ensues about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie even though it clearly is. This has more to do with the fact that there are a bunch of killjoys out there who demand that I celebrate Christmas in their way which usually involves watching something with Lacey Chabert in it.

We will put this to bed. Your Curator of Schlock is the final word!

Best Christmas Song Ever
When John McClane (Bruce Willis) arrives at the Los Angeles airport, he is picked up by a hip young chauffeur named Argyle (De’voreaux White). And what song does Argyle play on his tape deck, but “Christmas in Hollis” by Run-DMC, the second greatest Christmas song of the 1980’s next to Max Headroom’s “Merry Christmas, Santa Claus.” 

Christmas Snow
While this movie takes place in Los Angeles in December, we do get to see some snow. By snow, I mean the cocaine that sleazy dealmaker Harry Ellis (Hart Bochner) keeps snorting up his nose. Yeah, he won’t leave the stuff alone even during the hostage situation. That’s a habit!

Ho Ho Ho
There’s a scene after John McClane kills Tony (Andreas Wisniewski), the terrorist, where he sticks a Santa Claus hat on his head and writes “Ho. Ho. Ho.” on the man’s shirt before sending him down to the other terrorists to rattle them. 

Christmas Roasting
The King Cole Trio referred to “Chesnuts roasting on an open fire” in their breakout hit “The Christmas Song.” Die Hard has plenty of roasting, but I’m referring to the kind that comes from high end plastic explosives, the kind that burn up FBI helicopters and send them falling to the ground. 

Christmas Tree Falling
I think there’s a scene where a perfectly decorated Christmas tree in the hotel lobby topples over after the explosions. Haven’t we all been tempted to tip a Christmas tree over at some point in our lives, but were too timid to actually pull off the stunt. This is why we love the movies to live vicariously through them. 

Final Thoughts
There you have it. Five reasons why Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Now, as for Die Hard 2, we’ll cover that next week.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, episode 645, episode 670, episode 686, episode 687,  688, and 689) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.