I felt cold water splash across my face as I came to. A smirking Albert Simmons was holding the bucket. Standing next to him was the Goose Lord, dressed as Count Zarth Arn from Starcrash. The Goose Lord knelt down in front of me and grabbed my chin.

“I know you think you’re the victim, the innocent bystander in this story, but you’re its architect, Curator. When I was a small boy, I begged my father to take me to see Star Wars, but he refused no matter how much I pleaded.

Then, on my birthday back in 1979, he finally took me to see Star Wars. The only problem is it wasn’t Star Wars I saw, but Starcrash!

I didn’t know any better. I was only six years old! When I told the other boys how much I loved the movie, they beat me senseless. I had a target on my back throughout my school days, all stemming from that one incident. 

– To be continued.

Tonight’s movie is 1990’s Die Hard 2: Die Harder from director Renny Harlin. I remember watching this when it came out and thinking that it paled in comparison to the original, but time can sometimes mellow our opinions of old films. Viewed with fresh eyes, Die Hard 2: Die Harder is, at the very least, a competent action movie with plenty of pyrotechnics. Plus, it takes place at Christmastime if you’re looking to claim it as another unsung Christmas classic.

We find our hero, John McClane, stuck at Dulles International Airport in Washington, D.C., on Christmas Eve. He’s waiting for his wife, Holly, to land when he notices some suspicious individuals up to no good in the baggage department. They open fire on him; McClane kills one of them while the other escapes. Dennis Franz plays Airport Police Captain Carmine Lorenzo, and he isn’t impressed with John McClane’s antics or the notoriety he gained from the events of the last movie.

This time around, we’re dealing with actual terrorists as opposed to thieves pretending to be terrorists. Leading this group is Dick Thornburg (William Atherton), a dishonored U.S. Army colonel. Their plan is to disrupt airport operations so none of the approaching planes can land, keeping them in the air until they run out of fuel and crash. This can all be averted if the powers that be allow them to retrieve General Ramon Esperanza (Franco Nero), a man who threatened the democracy of his home country by raising money through cocaine distribution.

So you’ve already got Dennis Franz, William Atherton, and Franco Nero in this motion picture. That’s a lot of testosterone. And two out of those three are going to die a fiery death at the hands of one John McClane. That’s good enough for me, and it should be good enough for you.

Happy New Year!

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, episode 645, episode 670, episode 686, episode 687,  688, and 689) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.