The Perfect Life

The Perfect Life #45 by Dr. Perfect Dear Dr. Perfect, I’m into golden showers, always have been. My new partner was initially nervous, but now he loves giving me a good spray down. However, his urine doesn’t taste as good as my previous partner’s, and I find my appetite waning. How can we reconcile this Continue reading

The Perfect Life #44 by Dr. Perfect Dear Dr. Perfect, Every time I turn out the lights, I have a deep fear of decapitation. I always cover my neck with my hands just in case. Lately, my wife is angry because I make her and the children do it as well. It is just a Continue reading

The Perfect Life #43 by Dr. Perfect Dear Doctor Perfect, Why does the self-checkout at Walmart ask people to donate money? We’re obviously there because we have no money. Make it make sense! Poor and Peeved ————————–  Dear P&P, Charity solicitations abound. Things started simply enough with Girl Scout Cookies and Salvation Army buckets outside Continue reading

The Perfect Life #42 by Dr. Perfect Dear Dr. Perfect, My foot fetish is in constant battle with my foul odor revulsion. How to reconcile the two? Scentcerely, Janice ————————– Hello, Janice, I’ll set aside my pastrami on rye to address your concerns. Fetishes are precarious pastimes, filled with strange and new wonders. Some people Continue reading

The Perfect Life #41 by Dr. Perfect Dr. Perfect, I’m upset that none of the “Missed Connections” on Craigslist are about me. What’s the point of smiling at every person I see and nod seductively if they’re not even going to reach out? Signed, Lonely Online ————————–  Dear Lonely Online, I scour Craigslist too, for Continue reading

The Perfect Life #40 by Dr. Perfect  Allergic to Love Hey, doc! I am a millennial with an avocado allergy. Is natural selection going to use this social defect to end my bloodline? Literally no asshole will brunch with me, sooooo I’ll probably never get married. It’s not fair. Cheers, Forever Alone —————————- Dear Forever Continue reading

The Perfect Life #38 by Dr. Perfect The Beasts of Love Dear Dr. Perfect, My husband and I have an ongoing argument: dogs in or out of the bedroom while we have sex. I say let them stay. They whine the whole time they’re locked out and I can’t focus on pleasure. However, if my Continue reading

The Perfect Life #37 by Dr. Perfect Modern Medicine and Postmodern Problems Dear Dr. Perfect, I shut my hand in the dishwasher at work. It really hurts. Might be broken, definitely burned. I can’t file worker’s comp because of a warrant out for my arrest. How do I find affordable medical treatment? Sincerely, Not Tom Continue reading

The Perfect Life # 36 by Dr. Perfect Dear Doctor, Girl Scout Cookie season is upon us, but I was recently diagnosed with a severe gluten allergy. Seriously considering taking a week off work and bingeing a box or four of Thin Mints, for old times sake. Talk me off this ledge. Sincerely, The Sad Continue reading

The Perfect Life #35 by Dr. Perfect Dr. Perfect, What kind of doctor are you? Mine keeps trying to put me on antipsychotic meds, but I don’t want them. I’m looking for a second opinion. Do you take United Healthcare? Yours, Aaron ———— Dear Aaron, I seldom divulge my professional background, but in your case Continue reading