The Curator of Schlock #45 by Jeff Shuster

Don’t go to Zombie Island!

ZOMBIE

I guess it was only a matter of time before I got around to reviewing another zombie movie. What? Nightmare City wasn’t enough for you? Okay. How about a trip to an island of zombies from horror maestro Lucio Fulci? No? Tough. This isn’t a democracy. It’s a banana republic…full of zombies…that eat people.

1979’s Zombie starts out with a mysterious yacht drifting into New York Harbor. A couple of harbor patrol officers board the ship to investigate. One of the police officers declares that they stand to make a nice little bonus. If by nice little bonus he means a bloated, maggot-infested zombie tearing open his partner’s throat in the deck below, then I’d say he hit pay dirt. The bloated zombie climbs up to the  deck and said police officer keeps saying “Don’t move or I’m going to blast you!” He keeps repeating the words over and over hoping the zombie will just stick his hands up and have his rights read to him. Unfortunately, the zombie keeps stumbling towards him so the police officer has no choice but send a few shots into the zombie’s chest.  The zombie loses balance and falls over the side of the yacht.

The corpse of the police officer’s partner is sent over to the city morgue where two CSI types try to determine if lacerations or bites to the jugular were the cause of death. While they’re debating this point, we see the deceased officer’s hand move ever so slightly. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile at a major metropolitan newspaper which may or may not be the New York Times, ace British reporter Peter West (Ian McCulloch) wants to get the scoop on the mysterious yacht. A woman by the name of Anne Bowles (Tisa Farrow) is also interested in the yacht seeing as how it belonged to her father.

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They both bump into each other on the yacht and discover a note from Anne’s father. Apparently, Anne’s father has caught a bout of a mysterious disease on the island of Matool.

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Meanwhile, on the island of Matool, Dr. David Menard (Richard Johnson) is trying to figure out why the dead are rising up and attacking the living. It might have something to do with all that voodoo chanting coming from the locals on the island. The doctor insists that there must be some rationale explanation for all the zombification going on.

Untitled 1His wife ridicules his research while downing Southern Comfort. She says he’s no better than one of the local witch doctors. Now that’s just plain rude!

Meanwhile, back in New York, Anne and Peter get tickets and fly over to the Virgin Islands. They need to charter a boat to Matool and, as luck would have it, a couple by the name of Bryan and Susan have a boat at the ready. They’re a little hesitant due to the fact that the island is cursed, but who believes in curses anyway? Susan decides to go scuba diving and runs into a killer zombie swimming around in the ocean depths. You’d think that would be enough of a reason to turn the boat around, but not for our adventurers. They see the island of Matool emerging in the distance and go ashore. I’d tell you what happens next, but I just discovered that The Muppet Movie is on Netflix! Can you picture that? Can you Picture that?

5 Things I Learned From Watching Zombie

  1. Zombies like to kill people in interesting ways…like gouging their eyes out with splinters of wood.
  2. If a shark and a zombie have a fight, the zombie will win. Take that Spielberg!
  3. 400-year-old zombie conquistadors shouldn’t even be a factor in the zombie apocalypse, but they are.
  4. If you use Molotov cocktails against the undead, don’t set your house on fire in the process.
  5. If your loved one returns to you as a zombie, don’t stand there stupefied and allow her to bite a chunk out of your arm.

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Jeffrey Shuster 4

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47episode 102) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

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