The Curator of Schlock #47 by Jeff Shuster
Invasion U.S.A., or Chuck Norris Kills Communists!
I’ve never understood the appeal of Chuck Norris. Is it the beard? Maybe it’s the red hair. Or does he have brown hair? He sure did star in a lot of those Golan Globus movies back in the ’80s. I used to catch them on Showtime during lazy Saturday afternoons. I remember Firewalker with some fondness, but that may have been due to the comic relief of Lois Gossett, Jr. Anyway, I’m not reviewing Firewalker today. This is Patriots Month in The Museum of Schlock, and I’m reviewing Invasion U.S.A.
1985’s Invasion U.S.A. tells us the story of how the United States of America was invaded by Soviet Communist guerilla terrorist drug dealers who hate Christmas. Apparently, they’re able to disguise themselves perfectly as American civilians, police officers, and Coast Guard seamen.
In fact, it’s when they’re disguised as the Coast Guard that they open fire and kill a bunch of Cuban refugees before stealing the cocaine hidden in their raft. The leader of the guerillas is a man named Mikhail Rostov (Richard Lynch), a man who plans to invade America, but not before he kills a cocaine dealer by pointing his gun into the dealer’s trousers and firing away. I guess you could say Rostov revoked the dealer’s membership to his organization.
He also throws the drug dealer’s girlfriend out a glass window. Rostov is kind of a jerk, but there’s one man who still haunts his dreams: Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris).
I guess Matt Hunter was some super special operative spy somebody who hunted communists like nobody’s business. He’s retired now, but the CIA wants him back. Hunter rejects their offer since he’s content enough to wrestle alligators and barbeque frogs legs with an elderly roommate who might be his mentor or some homeless guy he took pity on. I’m not sticking the DVD back in the player to find out.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The old guy dies when Rostov and his goons decide to attack Hunter, blowing up his house. Big mistake, you morons! Hunter was going to sit this one out. Now he’s going back to the CIA so he can get some payback. He says he’ll stop Rostov, but it will have to be on his own, and on his terms. The CIA will disavow any knowledge of his activities because the government doesn’t want to acknowledge that there are CIA agents who save innocent civilians and kill the bad guys on American soil.
Rostov’s guerilla army of communist terrorist drug dealers show up in Miami Beach to invade the U.S.A. This group seems to be made up of Chinese communists, Soviet communists, and South American drug lords. They shoot a young couple and their portable television set. I remember Rostov saying something about the decadent west earlier in the movie and what’s more decadent than a portable television set.
We then skip to a scene of a father and his children decorating a Christmas tree on their front lawn. Their mother calls them in for dinner, but their little daughter stays behind so she can put the star on the tree. Won’t the family be surprised when they find out it was their little girl who put the star on the tree? It would have been a family memory to cherish forever. Too bad Rostov blows up their house up with a missile launcher.
He then blows up other houses on the block … during Christmas time. Son of b@#$% must pay!
Five Things I Learned from Invasion U.S.A.
- If you’re going to invade the United States of America, bring more than a hundred soldiers. We have this organization called the National Guard.
- Don’t keep an armadillo as a pet. It’s just too weird.
- Don’t shoot a man in the sweet spot. It just isn’t cricket.
- If you’re having nightmares about Chuck Norris, maybe you should call the whole Invasion U.S.A. thing off.
- Mall Christmas displays will shield you from gunfire.