The Lists #4 by Clinton Crockett Peters

Seven Ways to Tell You’re in a Paul Verhoeven Film

1: You take your shirt off and aren’t wearing a bra. You also smile during a co-ed shower.

2: You’re Kevin Bacon. As soon as you turn invisible, you go right for the breast of the woman you hate.

3: You always cock your head sideways when you’re thinking, even if it’s to wonder why so many women don’t seem to be wearing bras. Or why a giant beetle is spewing lava.

4: Two breasts aren’t enough.

5: You think flapping in a pool like a desperate minnow on a hook while riding a tasteless slime ball is a good time.

6: The real you isn’t the one who has committed unspeakable acts of violence and genocide, but the one who is desperate to prove himself and follow the clairvoyance of a Sesame Street reject growing out of a man’s chest. The host man will later become a deranged general and on a distant planet inform everyone that the once-thought mindless insect enemy can, “Suck your brains out!”

7: You’re part man, part metal. But all cop. And shoot between the legs of a screaming maiden, instead of over her shoulder, or around her torso, or wait for a better shot, or tell her to ‘Grab your ankles, lady!’ You’re all cop and fire phallically true.

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Clint PetersA former wilderness guide, Clinton Crockett Peters (Episode 115) has an MFA in nonfiction from the University of Iowa where he was an Iowa Arts Fellow. He is a Teaching Fellow pursuing a PhD in creative writing at the University of North Texas and has work published or forthcoming in UpstreetAmerican Literary Review, AntimuseLos Angeles Review, and Ethos. He writes regularly for AMRI. 

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