The Lists #11 by John King

Less Than Stellar Christmas Gifts That Actually Exist

 1. Don’t “feed” Peanut Big Top water, please. Is this how Zayles creates its merchandise?

2. Compete with your friends to clean this dog’s feces. It’s just like real life.

3. According to child psychologists, one thing every matching game for young children needs is more vomit-play.

4. Do you remember the guilty fun you had watching Ahhhnold and Sinbad goof it up in Jingle All the Way? Obviously, this 18-year-old film with the slenderest of premises needs to be a franchise anchored by someone who’ll getter done.

5. Ahem.

6. I am trying to make up my mind if this vintage 1995 collector’s item is less or more disturbing than a normal Barbie. Is there a saw in that medical bag? Ask the seller this question on Ebay.

7.What is a way to tarnish a beloved Joss Whedon work? Convert it into Yahtzee.

Never, ever scream yahtzee.

8. When considering these clunky, four-foot tall Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you should first ask yourself this question: Is my child fourteen feet tall? If the answer is no, then this present simply tells the recipient, “I know you’ll never have any real friends, so here you go.”

9. While I am a fan of both reading and Star Wars, The Drunken Odyssey must advise against giving this (or any, really) headlamp to a child.

Incidentally, Vader’s helmet comes off to reveal the wrinkled, diseased, gray face of Anakin Skywalker, which only makes this $20 accessory even sadder.

10. The existence of full-body superhero costume-pajamas for men happens to be a disturbing declaration of Everlasting Celibacy.

Seeing the green PJs makes me think of a an immense (and immensely sad) man playing with his four four-foot tall Ninja Turtles, wondering when someone will make him a plastic April O’Neil figure, so his family will be complete.

Will his Christmas wish come true?

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John King (Episode, well, all of them) is a podcaster, writer, and ferret wrangler.