The Curator of Schlock #99 by Jeff Shuster

The Curator of Schlock’s Top Ten TV Shows of ALL TIME!

Hey. It’s your Curator of Schlock here. I’m still waiting for Hell Comes to Frogtown to come in the mail and I’m also gearing up for next week’s 100^th blog extravaganza! Come to The Museum of Schlock for Diet Rite Cola and Snyder’s of Hanover Pretzel Pieces!  In the meantime, I present to you my list: The Curator of Schlock’s Top Ten TV Shows of ALL TIME!!! Yes, in addition to be a movie expert, I’m also a television expert.

10. Primeval

A British import, this show featured a ragtag team of scientists trying to figure out why dinosaurs kept jumping out of portals and eating people. Heck, we didn’t just get dinosaurs on this show, we got giant insects, dodo birds, and future predators (those evolved bats that are going to rule the world one day.) Be forewarned, the lead actor is Scottish so you’ll want to turn on the subtitles.

9. Lady Blue

This 80s police drama was nicknamed Dirty Harriet, mainly because it featured a female detective named Katy Mahoney who acted just like Dirty Harry in that she shot the bad guys who deserved to get killed. She also had red hair, which made her extra awesome! I seem to recall this being a particularly violent and gruesome show. I think one episode involved her taking on some cowboys who were after a valuable shipment of bull semen. Jamie Rose and Danny Aiello starred.

8. Numb3rs

This was a show where they solved crimes with math. Plus, it starred the one-two punch of Peter MacNicol and Judd Hirsch. It lasted six seasons, six seasons of solving crimes with math. Did I mention they solved crimes with math?

7. Mr. Belvedere

I watched copious amounts of sitcoms growing up for reasons that I’ve buried deep down, but this one stood out in particular. It was kind of like Who’s the Boss, but with an English butler. It also featured Bob Uecker as the dad. I remember inappropriate sexual humor for a TGIF sitcom, like how Mr. Belvedere kept walking in on the mom and dad getting it on. Shudder. Shudder.

6. Paradise Hotel

The tagline for this reality TV show was “Expect the Unexpected.” I suppose that’s true since the producers made up the rules of the game as they went along. I remember they would have contestants pair up and sleep in the same room at some posh island resort. Some of the contestants were even chosen from the live studio audience. One of them was named Dave. He got picked on…a lot. And then when he outsmarted his tormentors and got them voted off, the producers let them back on the show to torment Dave again. Goodbye Dave!

5. Robin of Sherwood

This Showtime Network retelling of the legend of Robin Hood added a bit of 80s sword and sorcery into the mix. Robin Hood and his Merry Men had to go up against evil sorcerers and the Hounds of Lucifer (they’re as scary as they sound). Robin Hood also had to contend with the Sheriff of Nottingham, played like a modern man stuck in the middle ages. To call him cynical would be doing him a disservice. Frankly, I think the sheriff on this show didn’t even want to be bothered catching Robin Hood.

4. Parker Lewis Can’t Lose

Oh boy. This series featured a high school student who out-Buellered Ferris Bueller. There was this one episode where Parker’s friend Jerry suffered from video game addiction. He kept having nightmares about being trapped in the world of Altered Beast. Haven’t we all?

3. Kung Fu: The Legend Continues

The grandson of Kwai Chang Caine walks out of the past and into 1990s Canada! David Carradine reprises the role that made him famous and is joined by Peter Caine (Nathaniel Moreau), his street smart cop son. I used to think this syndicated show only had three seasons, but I later learned that there was a fourth! Please put this on a streaming service, Warner Bros! There’s a fourth season episode where Kwai Chang Caine becomes a radio talk show host!

2. Millennium

Millennium came from X-Files creator Chris Carter and never quite found its footing. Lance Hendrickson played Frank Black, a freelance forensic profiler who was cursed with the ability to see into the minds of serial killers. He could also see demons…from hell! I remember one episode in season one where this one serial killer mailed the severed tongue of a trucker to this old lady. This was shown on Network TV at 9 PM! Did I mention that the band KISS guest-starred in an episode?

1. Smallville

You have to give credit to a show about Superman that waits a full ten seasons before allowing him to put the suit on. Will a young Clark Kent (Tom Welling) realize his destiny as the Man of Steal? Nope, instead he’ll be saving his best friend Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) from an attack by the meteor freak of the week.  Kudos to the fans for staying loyal to the show even after the CW stuck in a Friday night slot. I’m suspicious that the network execs kept trying to get Smallvile canceled, but the ratings were just too high. Ten seasons. That’s unheard of.

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Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA candidate at the University of Central Florida.