The Perfect Life #53

Dear Dr. Perfect,

Why didn’t Ayn Rand ever become president? 




Dearest Confused,

For someone who escaped Soviet communism at an early age, Ayn Rand sure was preachy.

She should have been satisfied enough with the western decadence before her. Instead, she unleashed her Objectivist philosophy on an unsuspecting populous in the form of unreadable stage plays and periodical claptrap. 

But it’s all too easy to pile on Rand and her works. Snooty literary types have been doing that for decades. Rand’s propensity for capitalism and free enterprise often put her at directs odds with intellectuals and commie heathens who dismissed her works entirely. 

Our current academic climate of exorbitant tuition rates and excessive student loan debt could certainly use some of that Rand magic today.

She has her fans and detractors, just like Pauly Shore, and like Shore, she was briefly in the movie business. 

Her first-hand experience during the Russian Revolution of the early 20th century and the Bolshevik takeover of her homeland solidified her beliefs against the collectivist state. Admittedly, I went through an Ayn Rand phase in my youth and even had a collection of thirty commemorative plates with her face on them.

Her two most notable works The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged lament the struggles of individuals against a stifling bureaucratic system. Her lasting influence on modern politics and “freedom keggers” beg the question of a political career that never was. 

There’s no doubt that Rand was wild for capitalism, but did she ever start a business herself? How many widgets did she produce? I’m still waiting. 

I ran for local office a few years ago on a lark. Turns out, elections are nothing more than a popularity contest. All I know is that every couple of years, my mailbox floods with campaign flyers. I promised to put an end to this practice, but no one went for it. People love their junk mail.

For generations, stoned scholars have asked why Ayn Rand never became president. I have some questions of my own. Why were we denied the Rand/Goldwater dream ticket the country needed? Why isn’t her face on Mount Rushmore? Do these cufflinks match my Armani suit? There’s no easy answer to any of these.

Technically, her foreign-born status disqualified her from seeking the highest office in the land, but there are always exceptions to the rule. Russian comic Yakov Smirnoff could have easily swept the ballot box in the eighties. He was hilarious! Or maybe I’m thinking of Borat.

The point is, some time ago, Russia and America had their problems. The threat of nuclear war was a real concern between the two superpowers. Both Rand and Smirnoff helped bridge those differences, with the help the 1985 box office hit Rocky IV in the mix.

The Soviet Union collapsed, the Cold War ended, and all was right in the world. As a result, we have absolutely nothing to worry about today. Sleep well, my friend!


Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.

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