I woke up duct-taped to an office chair in the public bathroom on the first floor of The Museum of Schlock. Graffiti everywhere. “Death to the Curator” was tagged with green paint over the door of the second stall. 

“Get me out of here,” I screamed. I looked around, trying to find piece of broken mirror or an abandoned switch blade to cut myself loose with like a square-jawed movie hero.

— To be continued.

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This week’s movie is 1992’s Stepfather 3 from director Guy Magar. Some rubes assume that the full frame aspect ratio means that S3 was a home video production, but let me assure you that this did indeed have a theatrical release. In fact, it was an IMAX release. People were anxiously awaiting to see every pore on Terry O’Quinn’s face, but, alas, he did not star in this movie. (Box office for this IMAX exclusive was so bad that all records of its existence were stricken from the record.)

Stepfather 3 begins with a hooded Jerry Blake seeking the help of a disgraced plastic surgeon living by the docks. The disheveled doctor takes the wad of cash, promising to turn Jerry into a new man. Once Jerry is healed, he takes a surgical saw to the surgeon’s neck. Fast forward a few months and Jerry is ensconced into another Californian suburb under the new name of Keith Grant (Robert Wightman). I’ll just call him Keith for the rest of this review. 

Keith settles in nicely. He’s a landscaper and an avid church attender. Father Brennan (John Ingle) even convinces him to perform as the Easter Bunny at the church Easter egg hunt.

Keith looks like a dorkus malorkus, but he catches the eye of the lovely Christine (Priscilla Barnes, of The Devil’s Rejects and Three’s Company fame), a divorcee with a young boy named Andy (David Tom). That’s a ready made family just ready to marry into. There’s just one problem.

Andy.

Andy is in a wheelchair, but doctors told Christine his condition is psychosomatic. After Keith marries Christine, he tries to persuade Andy to start walking. Keith tries playing football with Andy, but Andy calls him crazy. Keith throws the football at Andy, who fumbles the catch and falls out of the wheelchair. Andy doesn’t even like the model planes Keith buys him. The little brat spends all his time on his fancy computer playing his whodunit game. When the opportunity arises for Andy to spend some time with his actual father, Andy jumps at the chance.

Meanwhile, Keith is selling his house to a single mom named Jennifer and her son, Nicky. Like Christine, Jennifer is quite lovely and her son Nicky is a blond boy just like Andy. Plus, Nicky has no psychosomatic condition, loves to play football, and loves model planes. An affair ensues and Keith is contemplating bumping Christine off as Jennifer is a better prospect for his ready made family. But then Andy comes back home, says he prefers staying with his mom and Keith over his dad.

This is all a ruse as Andy suspects Keith of being the family killer. He employs Father Brennan in his plans to uncover Keith as the culprit. At the same time, Keith is trying to cover up his affair with Jennifer who doesn’t know that Keith is already married.

This big mess grows messier when the murders start piling up. Let’s just say there’s a wood chipper that gets put to good use.

Happy Father’s Day!

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Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, and episode 575) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.