Edwige, my steadfast kangaroo companion, and I walked slowly through the second floor of the Museum of Schlock. I looked over at the Rocky IV display and saw the wax statue of Apollo Creed in pieces on the floor. The symbol of American exceptionalism was laid waste while Ivan Drago was left untouched. I picked up the loose arms and untied the pearl white gloves that once warmed the hands of Carl Weathers. I then tied them around the clawed hands of Edwige. I was going to find the punk that did this and have Edwige kick his ass. — To be continued.

Tonight’s movie is 2022’s Kids vs. Aliens from director Jason Eisner. It’s a Shudder exclusive, but you can also buy it on Blu-ray and DVD. No VHS. Kids vs. Aliens received mixed reviews from critics because some critics are no fun. They’re probably the same critics that didn’t like Malignant, best movie of 2021.

Our story begins with a trio of deep sea fishermen finding something strange in the ocean late one night. We don’t see exactly what it is. A glowing orange light. A strange hand reaches up and drags the men under the waves. Yeah, they’re gross aliens from outer space. It’s in the title. We’re then introduced to a group of kids shooting a movie in an old barn that’s a cross between The Road Warrior and Theodore Rex. The director is a kid named Gary (Dominic Mariche ). His actors are his two best friends, Jack (Asher Grayson) and Miles (Ben Tector), and his teenage sister, Samantha (Phoebe Rex). Other teenagers crash their shoot, delinquents by the name of Billy (Calem MacDonald), Dallas (Isaiah Fortune), and Trish (Emma Vickers).

The teenage delinquents are particularly awful in this movie. One of them flings a beer bottle at Miles because why not. Samantha has a bit of a crush on Billy, a crush that Billy uses to his advantage. Billy wants Samantha to throw a Halloween party, just a few people. Of course, just a few people turn into half the high school. Teenagers are boozing it up and smoking tobacco and other substances. They’re spray painting the walls and puking in the silverware drawer. And then the aliens show up.

Samantha hides in her room while the other teens run for their lives. When she realizes her house is empty, Samantha finds the courage to go find her brother. Since the kids were dragged to the sea, she puts on some scuba gear and swims toward the orange light in the ocean. She emerges inside the spacecraft only to find the aliens pouring slime over a bound Trish. Trish’s skin begins to melt off and her guts plop out of her writhing body. Dallas gets turned into some kind of a mutant hybrid by the aliens. Gary and his friends will be next. It’s a good thing that Samantha found some kind of magic sword on the ship that looks like something out of that old Thundercats cartoon.

Kids vs. Aliens has all of the coherence of a movie a bunch of kids would shoot on their own with their dad’s camcorder. It’s over the top with its gore and teenage antics. Peppered with an 80s synth wave soundtrack. Maybe this was too much for some critics, but watching aliens melt the skin off of obnoxious teenagers was a fun way to spend a Saturday night.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, and episode 575) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.