“Sold!” I screamed, my fingers digging into the shoulders of Albert Simmons, the accountant for the Goose Lord gang. “I can’t replace those Beanie Babies. My whole life’s work ruined!”

I grabbed Albert by the back of his neck and pushed him head first through the door. The Revenging Manta was cleaning his blade on the sweat shirt on one of the dead bodies on the ground. I knocked Albert Simmons to his knees in front of the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando. 

“They sold my Beanie Babies,” I said clenching my fists in the air.

—To be continued. 

So I thought I’d watch a horror movie this Halloween, something I hadn’t seen before. I kept hearing about this one flick, 2024’s In a Violent Nature from director Chris Nash. The movie is reportedly a slasher movie with a fresh take and I’ve developed an affection for the genre over the years. I just recently rewatched the 1981 classic The Funhouse from director Tobe Hooper. The Funhouse is a slasher movie done right. In a Violent Nature is a slasher movie done wrong. So very wrong. 

4:3 ASPECT RATIO

The year is 2024. Please stop shooting your movies in the 4:3 aspect ratio. Yes, in the old days, this matched the aspect ratio of most television sets and perhaps horror directors realized their movies would get more attention on home video so it made sense to cater that screen size. But all televisions have wide screens now. I miss my Sony WEGA as much as the next guy, but the cathode ray tube is not coming back and it’s time we all moved on.

LOTS OF WALKING

Upon cueing up In a Violent Nature, we overhear a few dopey college students talking about their big plans for the weekend. One of them removes a gold locket from a makeshift shrine and a few moments later, a bloated corpse rises from the ground. That corpse starts walking and we see him walking though miles of forest, mostly from the back so we can’t see his face. His name is Johnny and he’s the Jason Voorhees stand-in for this picture. We get to see him walk a lot, occasionally hacking up a victim in the process. So much walking.

THERE’S NO MUSIC

This movie has no soundtrack. This movie has no mood. You see, when a young co-ed is swimming in the lake all alone, you need some creepy music from a synthesizer or an orchestra to indicate to the viewer that something bad is about to happen. Occasionally, you get to hear some indie rock songs the college students have playing in the background, but mostly we just get the natural wood sounds with all of the birds chirping and what not. That’s the sort of thing I play on my sound machine to fall asleep to.

THERE IS NO ENDING

This movie does not have an ending. It is hinted that Kris, the last surviving member of the college students, is supposed to lead Johnny into a trap and set him on fire with the aid of a full gasoline container, but she chickens out. She leaves the locket that Johnny’s been searching for on top of the container hoping that will be enough to keep him away. She runs through miles of forests, injuring her leg in the process.

A middle-aged woman in a pickup truck rescues her and tells her a long story about how her brother survived a bear attack. We keep expecting Johnny to come out of the woods and attack, but he never does. This goes on for at least twenty minutes! And then the end credits roll with a rendition of “Black Flies” as sung by Tracy Newman from a 1965 episode of the PBS children’s show What’s New because why not. Why make a fun slasher movie when you can bore your audience to tears?

This is what movies are in 2024.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, and episode 645) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.